Escaping Dreams
by T-Rob1999
Summary: Remus and Sirius are worried about Harry after returning from the Dursleys after the Triwizard Tournament depressed and injured after a car accident. Harry has been having nightmares about the Dark Lord and feels like it is his fault that he has returned and is determined to punish himself. Can Remus and Sirius help him before it's too late. Warning: Includes scenes of self harm.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

 **NOTE: Hey everyone, this is my first fan fiction, I hope you all enjoy it!**

"NO CEDRIC, NO, PLEASE DON'T KILL HIM, NO!"

There was a flash of green light and a piercing pain in Harrys scar, "you deserve pain" said a high cold voice "Crucio!" Harry rolled round in agony until he was clipped round the ear and fell to the ground with a thud.

Harry woke abruptly; he had fallen on his bedroom floor, his throat was sore from screaming. It was only a dream but as he looked up he realised who had clipped him around the ear it was a beetroot red Vernon Dursley. Harry's heart sank, he knew what was coming.

"Boy!" he yelled. "If it's not that ruddy owl (pointing at Hedwig's empty cage) then it's you screaming the house down! It's 3 o'clock in the morning! You have not only woken me up but Petunia and Dudley too! This has to stop NOW!" He bellowed his last word into Harry's ear making sure he heard him. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed, I will deal with you in the morning"

Mr Dursley turned around and opened the door "and clean yourself up, look at the mess you are in" he then slammed the door. Harry sat in silence for a few moments, his scar still throbbing. He then made to get up but his leg collapsed beneath him. Harry had been having trouble with his injured leg since the Triwizard Tournament; he had been bitten by an acromantula with poisonous fangs which had also dropped him awkwardly on his leg.

Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix had healed the initial cut but the venom had spread down his leg a week after he had left Hogwarts. It was getting hard to walk on, the swelling around his knee was getting worse and it had turned a funny purple colour. His knee collapsed underneath him at least three times a day as if there was nothing holding it together and it was really sore to walk on, he was trying to hide his limp. He didn't want anyone to know, he thought he deserved it. Harry thought it was his fault Cedric was dead, he could have saved him.

Harry finally managed to stand up; he slowly made his way to the bathroom picking up a spare pair of pyjamas on the way. He could hear the snores from down the hall meaning everyone was back asleep. He looked at himself in the mirror; a pale, messy, black haired boy looked back at him. His hair was damp as if he had just come inside from the rain, though Harry knew it was from his sweat. He quickly changed into his spare pyjamas and looked back at himself in the mirror

He had bags under his eyes which were worsening by the day. Harry didn't want to sleep anymore as his dreams were laden by Cedric's dead body or everyone surrounding him, blaming him for the Voldemort's return or seeing Ginny's body in the Chamber of Secrets whilst Tom laughed at him. Harry was getting bored of them but also knew they were true and it was his fault.

Harry then made his way back to his room, making sure he could still hear the snores from down the hall. He closed the door, dumped his clothes in the corner of the room and curled up on his bed wishing tomorrow would never come.

 **NOTE: I know this is a short chapter but I'd like to start somewhere, please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

 **NOTE: This is the second chapter, I'm hoping it lives up to the first!**

It had been a long few hours, trapped in his mind. Harry wanted to sleep but he knew if he closed his eyes he would return to the graveyard for the second time that night. Harry looked at his alarm clock. 05:48, the new sun was peeking through the gap in his curtain. He had done it; he had survived another night.

Harry opened his curtains and window and stared out at the yellow ball rising above the trees in the distance, this is what he looked forward to every morning a glimpse of hope, which is what he needed to keep him going.

Once the sun was fully risen, Harry glanced at his clock once again, 06:24, he made to get changed into some jeans which were far too big for him and a baggy old t-shirt. The snores from the next room had died away, it had been replaced by the sound of movement. Harry knew that this sound meant that Uncle Vernon had woken up early so he could shout at him before he went to work.

The sound of three sets of footsteps going down the stairs meant everyone was awake. You would have thought Dudley would want to sleep in after being awake halfway through the night but he knew that his favourite kind of entertainment was going to happen.

"BOY!" shouted an angry Mr Dursley from downstairs "GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT". Harry had no choice but to obey. He stood up slowly, holding onto his bed for support and walked slowly to the door and down the stairs. Mr Dursley met Harry at the foot of the stairs, he looked like he could spit bullets. "Come on boy, how long does it take you to get down the stairs! Start walking properly, I know you are putting it on"

Harry didn't reply, he wanted this over so he could go out of the house and not see them for the rest of the day. But he was mistaken.

"What do you have to say for yourself" choked Uncle Vernon

"Nothing" Harry replied, keeping his temper.

"Then explain who is this Cedric? And why do you think you have the right to wake up the whole of the street every night"

"I told you!" Harry snarled, his temper rising. "He was a student in my school who I saw die three weeks ago"

"HE LIES!" yelled Uncle Vernon

"Well if you don't believe the truth then what's the point of you asking me at all!" Harry said, his voice shaking.

Uncle Vernon was shocked into silence for a few moments, his already red face was turning purple. Finally, he exploded. "Petunia and I have raised you since you were a mere year old, we have clothed you, fed you and even let you have your own room! And what do you give us in exchange? Nothing, you lie, you put shame on the family being one of them and you wake up the whole street!"

"I don't care! I only got Dudley's second bedroom because of my Hogwarts letter!"

"Don't you swear at me! Now I don't want to see you the rest of the day so get out of my sight!" Snarled Uncle Vernon. Harry didn't want to argue so he stormed out of the kitchen and out through the front door, walked a couple of blocks before sitting down on a swing in the park. It was stiflingly hot and his leg was throbbing. Harry was glad that he was away from them today, he wished he hadn't retaliated as he was now alone in the hot sun.

A few hours must have past as he was sitting there watching children come and go, the sun was at its peak, it was the hottest day yet. A crunching of knuckles from behind him meant Dudley's gang had resorted to their favourite game 'Harry Hunting'. Harry glanced over his shoulder to be certain before making a run for it. His leg was suddenly strong as he ran past the roundabout and vaulted over the fence. Harry looked over his shoulder, they were after him. Street after street they run down and through a forest. But his gang wasn't giving up they were keeping up with him. His leg was getting worse and nearly collapsing, he was slowing down.

Harry had to keep running through trees and bushes and down an ally. He had to keep going even though the pain was worsening, he had to find a hiding place soon Harry felt like he was running from Voldemort again, avoiding his spells and trying to get back to Cedric's body. Harry didn't realise a road was up ahead he just wanted to get away. He didn't hear the car speeding up the road. something hard hit Harrys injured leg he, heard a loud crack, followed by a bang and a shooting pain in his head.

Everything went black.

 **NOTE: I hope you enjoyed, keep an eye out for new chapter because I don't know how often I will upload. Thanks again for taking the time to read my fan fiction.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Harry woke surrounded by something soft and a beeping sound once or twice every second, He didn't want to open his eyes, his scar was prickling uncomfortably and his leg was throbbing. Something was around the top of his arm. He heard the familiar voice of Uncle Vernon arguing with a woman he didn't recognise.

"Mr Dursley, are you sure you don't want to go through with the surgery? His leg might never be the same again. It is quite necessary.. However you will have to pay for it, this treatmentis not available on the NHS"

"He will not be having any further treatment, I will not be paying for it, just patch him up and we will sort the rest out ourselves"

"We will wait until he wakes up, he may need to stay in overnight and we don't know how bad his head injury is yet"

Harry immediately knew where he was. He was in the muggle hospital. He opened his eyes. Everything was the same shade of light blue and the light hurt his head. Harry tried to sit up.

"You are awake, let me raise the bed so you can sit up" the nurse who spoke was blonde haired and had a smart blue uniform on. She smiled reassuringly at him. "comfortable?". Harry nodded. "Ok good, I'd just like to ask a few questions if that's ok? Firstly, what is your name and date of birth? Also what is todays date" this was a weird question, he would have thought Uncle Vernon must have told him but he replied anyway.

"My name is Harry James Potter and I was born on 31/07/1980. Today it is 30/071995" she nodded and smiled

"Do you remember what happened?" She asked. Harry thought about it for a moment he remembered running from Dudley's gang but couldn't remember anything else so he replied

"I was running, I ran through an alleyway and onto a road but I don't remember anything else"

"Alright, that's a lot better than I thought, Mr Potter. You were run over by a car, you just ran across the road, the driver couldn't stop. You have been unconscious for a couple of hours, however, you have been pretty lucky. You have broken your leg badly and you for some reason the ligaments which hold it together had been disintegrated before the incident. Your Uncle has forbidden us to do any tests and for you to go straight home in a knee brace. Do you object to this course of treatment? Or we can help fix your leg"

Harry suddenly realised why his leg had been so sore over the last few weeks and why it had been collapsing, the venom had been destroying his leg from the inside. He knew he couldn't let them do any tests and that Madame Pomfery would be able to help him. He needed to get out of here as quickly as possible. "I do not object to this conclusion, I need to get out of here as soon as possible. I have something very important to do" Harry said keeping his temper

"You do understand Mr Potter if you go now we cannot help you" the nurse exclaimed. Harry nodded and gave her a look to warn her he could get nasty. "Alright, we will get a physiotherapist down here soon to help you use crutches and edit the brace accordingly, you are to have no weight on that leg for at least 8 weeks" Harry nodded again. The nurse then whispered "If you do need help don't hesitate to contact me, I see you are under pressure and I don't want things to get nasty with your Uncle, I will leave my telephone number in your notes" Harry glanced over at Mr Dursley he was a darker colour than earlier as if he was about to explode. Harry nodded a thanks to her and she whisked away to get the physiotherapist.

Harry was fuming with himself, how could he have let this happen. He was so stupid, he should have threatened Dudley with magic but no, he had to run. Harry didn't dare to look at his Uncle, he knew he was in trouble.

A few minutes later the nurse returned with the physiotherapist who introduced himself as Gareth and explained how to use the crutches. Gareth then helped Harry up on his good leg and supported him while he did his first few steps. Gareth commented that Harry was a natural. He soon knew how to use them and was just waiting for the doctor to do a final check-up and discharge him.

After Gareth left the doctor came to give him the once over. He was finished with his exam and then started to explain to Harry what needed to be done to maximise his recovery.

"Mr Potter, no weight is to be put on this leg for 8 weeks at least, you need to ice it to reduce swelling and take over the counter pain killers to help with the pain. After the 8 weeks start putting weight on slowly, build the strength up by doing the exercises in the notes. If you start having any other pain come back immediately. Otherwise you are free to go"

"Thank you" replied Harry. Harry then stood up and he and Mr Dursley made their way out of the hospital in a stifling silence, and got into the car. Mr Dursley exploded

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING YOU STUPID BOY! You almost got yourself killed, and what would your godfather do to us then, he's already killed 13 people, what's two more?!" Harry stared at him, the pain of his leg kicking in as Mr Dursley was speeding up the road. "You foul, lithesome, lazy son of a bitch! You have no respect at all, you are going to be locked in your room for this!"

Harry didn't reply, he didn't feel like shouting. It was his fault; he didn't look where he was going, he returned to the graveyard when he was running, why did he think of that at such a critical time. The pair stayed silent for the rest of the journey and when they returned. Harry made his way up to his room without a word, and laid on his bed. His eyes were heavy and the pillow was so soft. Harry fell for the inevitability and dozed off.

 **Note: I know this chapter was a little boring but it leads to the next chapter. Thank you for reading so far, I hope you have enjoyed. The next chapter will come relatively soon! Please take a few minutes to review, I would love to hear from you to improve it!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

 **Note: From now on there will be graphic self-harm scenes and are not for the light hearted.**

Harry was surrounded by the people dearest to him looking livid "What have you done Harry?" whispered his mother's voice.

"You have shamed our family" said his fathers. "I would have thought you were better than this"

"He killed me because you let him do it. Why didn't you stop him? Why didn't you save me?" Snarled an angry Cedric.

"No, Cedric No, I couldn't stop him. CECRIC PLEASE" Harry shouted in return so he could hear him. The ghostly figures turned their backs and walked away leaving him to the mercy of the dark lord. "No, NO!" Harry yelled.

…

Harry woke up and sat upright. It was the second night in a row he had woken in a cold sweat shivering, his clothes that he was wearing drenched, his scar once again throbbing. Harry sat and thought for a few minutes before he picked up a spare change of clothes knowing that he wouldn't go back to sleep and stood up before making his way to the door and trying the handle. It was open, so he made his way to the bathroom and sat down on the stool in front of the mirror.

Putting his crutches to one side, Harry looked at his pale face in the mirror which sat in front of him. It's my fault Cedric is dead Harry thought, it is my fault he's returned, no one else is to blame. I was the one who was there on that graveyard that night, I had the power to stop him but I didn't, I stood there and watched it all happen. I deserve to be punished.

Harry looked for the scissors in the bathroom cabinet and opened them wide so that the sharp point was dominant. He looked at his pale, already scared forearm, pressed the sharp edge gently onto the delicate skin before adding force to the scissors and slitting the skin across his wrist. Light red blood rose to the cut like red raindrops and spilled out over his hand and onto the floor.

Every drop of blood splashing on the white floor was a person he had let down; the guilt was draining away. The pain was satisfying as if he deserved it, as if it was the pain of lost loved ones. For a few moments he was relieved of his pain for everything. And as the blood dried and the scar started to form Harry felt his guilt lifted, he didn't know how long it would last but it was something.

A particularly loud snore brought Harry back to reality, he didn't know how long he had been sitting there so he quickly cleaned up the pool of blood with a hand towel and got changed into his clothes, slipping the scissors in his pocket. He washed out the hand towel and put it in the wash basket, before leaving the bathroom and making his way back to his room.

When he opened the door he had a big shock, Hedwig was waiting patiently with a letter. At once Harry recognised who it was from by the handwriting on the front. He went over and sat down on his bed before untying the letter from Hedwig. Hedwig then flew up onto his shoulder and nibbled his ear. Harry ripped the envelope open and took out the thick parchment along with an article from the daily prophet. He looked at the letter first it read:

"Harry,

I have some wonderful news, you may have seen the article from the prophet a few days ago, if not I have enclosed a copy. Anyway, to the point, I have been cleared of all my charges and I am a free man. Pettigrew was captured by none other than my fellow marauder Remus. I won't go into details as I should hope to see you very soon.

I would like for you to stay with Remus and I for the remainder of the summer, I have heard what happened to you today and I don't want to hold this off any longer (though Dumbledore still protests you will be 'safer' with the muggles)

Remus and I will pick you up midday on the 31st July (your birthday – we will have a proper celebration). Try to get your things together before then, I am going to explain to the muggles what is happening when I arrive. We are going to a secret location so I can't tell you where we are going.

I will see you shortly

Padfoot"

Harry was overwhelmed with mixed feelings, for the first time in days he felt happy and free but on the other hand he couldn't let Sirius see him the mental state he was in. What was he going to do? He thought for a few moments, Harry would have to lie to him, cover up how he was feeling with a fake smile. Harry hated lying, he thought it was unnatural.

Harry glanced at his clock 5:34, he had a few hours to get ready. Hedwig flew into her cage as if she knew what was happening as Harry started to gather his things together and putting his things in a pile on the floor ready to put into his trunk which was under his bed. The process was slow as he could only carry one thing at a time.

Soon enough he had collected everything together and he sat down on the floor packing his things back in his trunk which he hadn't touched since he returned from Hogwarts. By the time Harry heard the first signs of movement from the next room he only had to put away his damp clothes which he'd sort out at Sirius' place.

Harry made sure his scissors were undetectable at the bottom of his trunk before sitting back onto is bed and waiting. He refused to go down to breakfast, Mr Dursley was surely still livid with him, he wasn't hungry anyway. Harry kept looking at his clock every few minutes. Every minute that passed seemed like an hour and every time an hour went seemed like a day.

Harry was nearly dropping to sleep when he heard a knock at the door.

 **NOTE: I hope you have enjoyed, I am going to start uploading every Friday and/or Saturday from now on. Let me know what you think by leaving a review. Thank you for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

A knock sounded, Harry looked at his clock to check the time 11:59, his heart was racing and he started to panic what would Uncle Vernon do to Sirius or worse what would Sirius do to Uncle Vernon, Harry knew that Sirius wold do anything to hex anyone with the name Dursley. The knock persisted, getting more impatient as Mr Dursley shouted

"Alright, alright, I'm coming hold on a second" the door opened and a familiar voice echoed through the house.

"May we come in, we have come to collect Harry, for I am his Godfather and I will be taking him somewhere safe but we will need to discuss some things with you first" Sirius explained calmly. Harry knew Sirius would love to turn Mr Dursley into a pig but he was staying very calm. Harry heard Dudley dart up the stairs, slamming the door behind him.

"Fine!" Mr Dursley exclaimed, a muffled sound of delight in his voice which Harry noticed "If you are going to take him off us". The creak of the door and the footsteps echoing down the hallway. Harry listened hard

"Mr Dursley, where is Harry? There is no evidence that he lives here" his temper rising

"He is in his room, first door on your right up the stairs"

"Fine, may we go up to him?" asked Sirius through gritted teeth. A grunt then the sound of footsteps up the stairs followed by a knock on Harry's door. "Harry? May we come in? I'm with Remus"

"Of course, Sirius" Harry said excitement in his voice. The door opened and a man with freshly cut dark brown hair, his eyes were sunken into his scull but he wore a warm smile. He was followed by another man, he was taller than the first he wore a shaggy brown suit, his face matched the old suit as it was pale and tired looking. "Sirius, Professor, I'm glad to see you" Harry exclaimed.

"You don't need to call me Professor anymore, as I am not your Professor anymore, you can call me Remus or Mooney" said the second man

"Are you ready pup? We have the Hogwarts matron on standby for when we get home so you needn't to worry about anything else" Sirius explained "Is your trunk all packed?"

"Yes, it is under my bed" Harry said getting up off the bed, standing next to Sirius as Remus took out his wand. It took him a couple of minutes to shrink Harrys trunk and place it into his pocket. Remus also let Hedwig fly out the open window before shrinking her cage too.

"Right let's go, are you ok to get down the stairs, that injury looks painful" said Sirius concerned

"Yes I'm good" replied Harry as they made their way down the stairs and out the front door making sure he got a glimpse of Dudley hiding behind his mother (Dudley had rushed back downstairs to his mother whilst the two men were in Harrys room). When they had closed the door, Harry wondered how they would get to the secret location. His question was soon answered as Sirius held out his wand and a huge bang echoed through the street and a triple decker purple bus rolled to a stop in front of them.

A young boy not much older than Harry came off the bus and started his speech. "Welcome to the knight bus, emergency transport for a stranded witch or wizard, my name is Stan Shunpike and I will be your conductor this afternoon." His professional act dropped immediately as he saw Harry. "A'rry, is that choo? Wot happened to choo?"

"No time for questions Stan we need to get back to Claremont Square quickly" said Sirius seriously as they made their way onto the bus which had many assorted armchairs and sofas of different colours and sizes. Harry made his way to a nice purple coloured one on the far side of the bus, Remus and Sirius sat either side of him. Stan didn't question anymore but took the money that Sirius offered him and walked away. Harry had a weird feeling that Stan didn't really like Sirius.

"Take it away Ern, to Claremont Square" and the bus gave a jolt and jumped to London, it didn't take long from there speeding through the muggle traffic to the Square. When they arrived the three got off the bus all feeling a little queasy.

Harry then followed Remus and Sirius to a house that looked run down and deserted. No muggle passing by would notice it. Harry thought it must be one of these places that muggles can't see, only wizards can see. They walked up the steps to the front door and Sirius tapped it with his wand and muttering something that Harry could catch. The door then flung open, when they were all inside Sirius said

"Welcome to 12 Grimmauld Place, this is the Black family residence and it is where you will be staying for the rest of the summer with Remus and I. Now if we go through to the kitchen, I think we will find a very worried Hogwarts matron, she's come to fix your leg" they walked through to the kitchen and there they saw Madame Pomfrey ready and waiting for Harry.

"Sit down on the seat and I will take a look" she exclaimed. Harry did as he was told and sat down on a chair and hoping that she would only look at his leg and nothing else as his wrist was still stinging and looked pretty bad from the night before. She took off the brace and took of the bandage before she looked at his leg in horror. She then proceeded with a magical scan of it. Before commenting

"You have badly broken your leg in three places but I can fix that fine, however there is a residue of venom form that acromantula in your knee which needs to be taken out before it does any more damage. Your ligaments have deteriorated over the last few weeks from the venom, how it hasn't spread to the rest of your body I don't know. However, the treatment for this is a long process as ligaments don't grow back so I will have to magically insert some which can take months to heal properly so you won't be able to put any weight on that leg for 8 weeks then you will need physiotherapy. That muggle brace will come in handy though as it will stop any movements. It won't take long perhaps an hour of my time, any questions?"

Harry was overwhelmed with information but nodded to say that he understood. "Will I still need to use these things too" he asked pointing at the crutches on the floor.

"Yes you will until I give you the all clear" harry nodded "I will have to put you to sleep to do this" Harry nodded but looked at Sirius and Remus who looked worried.

"It is what it is Harry, it will need to be done to get you better" Sirius explained nodding at the matron who quickly whipped out a potion and gave it to Harry to drink.

"You shouldn't feel any pain it should put you to sleep for an hour" Harry nodded "Now drink up, everything will be fine"

Harry drank the potion hoping that his nightmare wouldn't return. His eyes slowly closed.

 **Note: A lot had happened in this chapter; I hope you enjoyed as I enjoy writing it! Thank you for the reviews so far! The next chapter will come hopefully on Friday.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Harry woke slowly, it didn't feel like he had slept at all, in fact Harry felt more tired now than he did before, he looked around Sirius had his hand on his shoulder and rubbing it gently with his thumb. Sirius noticed Harry was awake

"Easy does it Harry, everything went well, Remus is making some tea." whispered Sirius. Harry sighed a sigh of relief as he hadn't dreamed and woke up screaming. He slowly sat up, he realised he was laid across about five chairs in the kitchen and his leg was back in the brace but felt much easier to move, it was less painful than it was an hour earlier.

Remus then came over with three cups of tea, Harry nodded his thanks and cautiously started to drink. Sirius and Remus were watching hi drink, they were making him feel uncomfortable

"How are you feeling Harry?" Sirius asked

"Pretty good, it is a lot less painful than it was earlier, thanks" Harry replied

"Ok good, Madame Pomfrey has left you some potions for pain relief and has asked that you put no weight on that leg until she says its ok, she will be coming to check up on you next week sometime" Sirius explained "I know wasn't the best birthday ever but we are going to have a small party tonight, just you, me and Remus. You have a few presents from the Weasleys and Hermione, we also have something for you too are you feeling up to it, we can do it tomorrow if you are tired"

"I'm not that tired thanks Sirius" Sirius laughed he had sensed the sarcasm in his voice.

"Once you have drunk that we can go upstairs to your room, we have brought your trunk up there along with your presents" Harry nodded and took his time with his tea, which seemed to give him a little more energy. After they had all finished, Sirius picked Harry's crutches up and gave them to him whist saying "I have put a silencing charm on the crutches so they don't make that annoying sound when you use them".

Sirius then opened the door and led Harry up the corridor and up one flight of stairs before opening a door on the landing. The room was twice the size that Harry had had in the Dursleys, it had two readymade beds and a wardrobe in the corner and a desk in another surrounded by books. A sofa was next to the window and top was a stack of presents. Harry looked in awe as he observed his room.

"Is this really for me?" asked Harry suprised

"Well you are planning on staying? You will share this room with Ron when he comes on the last week of summer" asked Remus sarcastically. Harrys heart gave a jolt at the mention of his name. He couldn't let Ron see how he was really feeling, he'd worry too much. "Harry are you alright?" in a more concerned voice

"Yes, I'm fine" replied Harry quickly. Remus gave Sirius a meaningful look before leading Harry to the sofa and sitting down before passing him the first of the presents. Harry opened it, it was a mirror

"This, Harry, is a two-way mirror, for when you are back at Hogwarts, look into it and say my name and we can communicate to each other. Your father and I used to use them whilst we were in detention." Explained Sirius

"Wow, thanks Sirius" said Harry. He opened all the gifts and all in all, Harry thought he had done pretty well. He had two boxed of Honeyduke's best chocolate, one from Ron and one from Hermione. Hagrid had sent him a cake and some treats. Remus had given him something that attached to his broom,

He explained "This will protect your leg whilst you play quidditch so you won't need to stop playing because of your leg"

"Thank you so much Remus, Sirius"

"What would you like to do now? If you need some sleep, we can leave you alone otherwise we can play some exploding snap" asked Sirius

"Exploding snap please" exclaimed Harry so they sat around a small table and played exploding snap. Sirius dominated, even after all those years in Azkaban he was still pretty sharp. Remus was pretty good too and knew when Sirius tried to cheat. Harry was having a lot of fun, for a moment he almost forgot his worries. They played until a little house elf knocked on the door saying that dinner was ready.

Harry recognised the elf immediately, it was Dobby. Dobby bowed to Harry. "Sir Harry Potter, Dobby is so pleased to see you"

"Dobby! How are you? And what are you doing here?"

"Dobby has come to help make Harry Potter's birthday, sir. Dobby is good sir, taking his break from Hogwarts, special request from Dumbledore himself, sir"

"How is Winky doing?"

"Winky be not well, she shocked by her master and she not be a good house elf. But Dobby still see to her"

"That's very nice of you Dobby" replied Harry. Dobby beamed at Harry

The three followed the little elf down to the kitchen where he had made the kitchen look colourful and tidy. A big plates of food filled the long table. Decorations hung from the ceiling and there was a big cake with 15 on the top was in the middle of the table. Dobby had outdone himself.

They all sat down and tucked into the food. Harry wasn't that hungry, but ate as much as he could. He didn't want Sirius and Remus worrying. Once the had finished, the leftovers vanished and were packed away into the cupboards, ready for another day. Remus and Sirius then sang happy birthday to Harry who blew out his candles. He wished that Sirius and Remus wouldn't find out about his secret.

After cake and some tea, Harry was full. The three sat down on the table and Remus and Sirius told Harry stories about his mother and father until late. Harry didn't want to go to bed but reluctantly agreed after taking his potion. Sirius and Remus said goodnight to Harry before he made his way to his room.

Harry had had one of the best birthdays ever but felt something was missing. He didn't want to fall asleep, he knew what would come when it did but he knew it was inevitable as the pillow was so soft and the blanket warm. He finally gave in and fell asleep.

 **NOTE: Harry has finally come to live with Sirius but with so much he feels he has to hide it's like not living with them at all. I hope you have enjoyed. Please take time to leave a review.**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

"CEDRIC! NO! leave him alone, don't kill him! CEDRIC!"

Harry sat bolt upright, he had visited the graveyard again in his dreams. His hair was wet like he had just washed it, he was shivering from his cold, damp pyjamas. Harry sat still listening for movements from the floor above to see if Remus or Sirius had heard, to Harrys relief, there were no movements or noise to be heard, though he still felt guilty.

He looked at his clock 3:25 and thought for a moment. Harry then searched his trunk until he found the cool pair of scissors which he put in his breast pocket and some spare clothes which he threw over his shoulder before picking up his crutches and making his way as quietly as possible to the bathroom. He locked the door.

The bathroom was white and blue tiled with a white laminate floor. A cabinet sat above the sink and a mirror was hung on its right. Harry sat down and took out his scissors. They were cool against his skin, he rolled up the sleeve to his pyjama shirt and looked at his pale arm which had many white scars going up his wrist, interrupted every few inches by fresh scars and scabs which were yet to heal. Harry opened the scissors and placed it's point onto his arm between two white scars before adding pressure and cutting his arm in three places.

The blood rose to the skin and trickled down his wrist and over his hand onto the floor, the guilt was draining out of him onto the white floor ready to be washed away. Harry watched the blood dry and harden before he cleaned the pool of blood off the floor with a hand towel before cleaning his arm stung as he wiped off the dry blood with water. Harry then used an old scarf to wrap tightly around his arm before changing into his spare clothes, a long sleeved top and a pair of jeans both were way too big for him.

Harry picked up his scissors, opened the cabinet and found a very old box of tissues where he hid the scissors in the bottom of the box. Harry then picked up his crutches and unlocked the door before he made his way as quietly as he could back to his room. Harry put his bloody towel and his damp clothes in a corner of his wardrobe, he would sort them out later.

He made his way over to the sofa and sat down. He looked over at his clock, 5:49, he didn't realise he had been gone so long. Never mind Harry thought, he opened the curtains and stared out of the window. The sun was peaking over the adjacent houses. The sky was a brilliantly coloured red and purple, Harry watched some blackbirds flying form roof to roof, squawking at each other.

Everything was so peaceful, how could everything keep going when Harry felt so depressed and lonely. He watched the sun rise higher turning the sky from red to orange to yellow, the street was coming to life. Harry saw someone walk out to their car in a suit, looking to go to work. The trees were gaining more colour, the green got brighter as the sun rose higher. The clouds turned form shape to shape easily as the sky finally turned a light blue. A knock on his door made Harry jump, heart pounding he braced himself for a good shouting at but it never came. Instead a friendly voice met his ear

"Harry?" the door opened "Harry?" the voice repeated as the door opened. It was Remus, he was taken aback when he saw Harry fully clothed looking at the door in horror. "Harry? Are you alright?" asked Remus. Harry finally snapped back into reality and responded

"Yes, I'm good" Harry replied

"Alright" said Remus curiously "Sirius has made some breakfast if you would like to join us" Remus continued in the same tone.

"Ok, cool, I'm coming now" said Harry hurriedly as he picked up his crutches and sped past Remus leaving him puzzled for a moment or two. He must be tired thought Remus as he followed Harry down to the kitchen were Sirius was waiting for his return. Harry sat opposite Remus who was watching him closely as Sirius served them some toast, egg beans and sausages. Harry started eating his food with no hesitation, even though he wasn't hungry at all. Harry wanted to act as normally as possible to avoid any questions. Once he had finished Harry made to get up and go back upstairs to his room or maybe see Buckbeak, he didn't really feel like doing anything and he was sure Remus and Sirius had other things to do. However, Harry stopped as he made his way to the door

"Where you off to pup?" asked Sirius

"Upstairs, I have some homework to finish off" Harry replied quickly

"Alright then, if you need any help Remus and I are here, alright?"

"Yeah ok" Harry said and went back up to his room, leaving Remus and Sirius curious glances. Harry blocked his bedroom door with a doorstop he had bewitched to withstand someone pushing the door to get in. He then went over to the sofa and sat down, laying outstretched. Hedwig flew down onto Harrys lap and let him stroke her, she softly hooted at the window, which Harry opened and let her fly out.

Harry sat on the sofa thinking about everything and everyone. He thought about the graveyard and how he could have stopped Cedric getting killed by taking the cup on his own. Or realised where he was sooner and getting back to the portkey. Then he thought about all he had done wrong, he let Wormtail cut him and take his blood without a fight, then ran from the danger and letting Voldemort return to power. He thought about where he was now but was glad Peter was caught.

A knock on his bedroom door woke him from thought. Sirius called "Are you ok Harry? I've been calling you for the last five minutes, you have been in there all morning, why don't you come out for a spot of lunch" Harry hadn't realised that he had been in thought for so long, he had been sitting there starring into space all morning and he didn't really realise it.

Harry then picked up his crutches and removed the doorstop and opened the door. There he found Sirius waiting with a concerned look about him

"Sorry Padfoot, I just needed to finish my last inch or two"

"It's alright pup, come on Remus has made some soup and you still need to take your potion today" Sirius said in a mournful voice. They walked down to the kitchen where Remus had prepared the soup and was waiting for them.

"What took you so long?" Remus enquired

"Harry had to finish the last few inches of his homework" Sirius said tucking into his soup. Harry nodded and did the same thing though only ate half of it before making another excuse to go upstairs to his room to sit and think. Remus and Sirius looked at him as he left, thinking something wasn't right or did Harry just have a lot of homework. After half an hour Sirius went to check on Harry,

…

Once Harry had made sure nor Sirius or Remus had followed him, he made his way to the bathroom and locked the door, he searched the old tissue box for his scissors and rolled up the sleeve of his long sleeved top. Harry opened the scissors up and placed them on some untouched skin and he made two more cuts in his arm and let the blood flow for a while.

Harry didn't know how long he had been sitting three but his heart skipped a beat when he heard someone coming up the stairs. He quickly wrapped an old clothe over his cuts and pulled his long sleeve back down over them. The cuts stung as they kept bleeding into the cloth. Harry then cleaned up the blood on the floor before shoving the towel he used for leaning the pool of blood to the bottom of the laundry basket. He then flushed the toilet so that it looked like he had just come out of the loo.

Harry unlocked the door and started hobbling down the corridor to his room but met Sirius halfway.

"Alright pup? I thought you were doing homework but when I went into your room, I didn't see a trace of ink or any sign of homework being done. Where have you been for the last half an hour? Are you ok Harry?" Sirius asked concern in his voice.

"Um – well – you see that I have just come out of the bathroom, I was just making my way back to my room to do it now" harry blurted out trying to sound convincing

"Alright then, as long as you are alright? You know Remus and I are always here for you don't you"

"Of course, Sirius"

"Alright then" and Sirius continued up the corridor obviously bewildered.

Dinner was as awkward as lunch, being deadly silent. Sirius and Remus were trying to ask Harry about his homework but he only gave one or two word answers and as before Harry escaped from dinner like lunch and went to bed early but the graveyard met him once more.

 **Note: Sirius and Remus have noticed a change in Harry, they do not know what it is yet. Leave a review, I'd love to hear your opinion. Thank you for reading once again.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

A week had passed since Harry had come to 12 Grimmauld Place and as each day passed, Harry found it harder to be alone and to put on a fake smile. His leg wasn't bothering him much anymore and he was used to hobbling around on his crutches. However, Harrys nightmares were worsening nightly, they were getting more graphic and often too tired to stay awake the rest of the night, Harry revisited the graveyard a few times a night. Because of this, Harry cut himself to relieve the guilt in the little bathroom nightly and always making sure he covered his tracks.

Remus and Sirius were noticing that Harry was becoming more quiet and more conservative, he spent a lot of the time up in his room but whenever they did see him, he was ok or so he said. Little did the two marauders know that Harry screamed himself hoarse nightly and punished himself. However, this all changed the day Harrys Hogwarts letter came.

Harry woke up to the sound of his own screams for the second time that night, how he hadn't woken anybody was a miracle. The time on his clock, 6.49 told him that he had little time to play with that morning and decided to wait to relieve himself from the guilt until after breakfast. Harry decided to watch the rest of the sun rise, though when it did, it stung his tired, droopy eyes.

Harry was feeling rather depressed that morning as if he was numb all over, as if nothing mattered, everything was pointless. He was angry with himself, he knew the two marauders would question him if he expressed how he really felt. He would just have to keep up the act even though it was the last thing he wanted to do that morning. At 8:30 Remus walked in, looking at the tired teen and saying the usual

"Morning Harry, how are you today? Breakfast is ready if you would like it" Harry didn't know what came over him but he snapped and shouted back at Remus

"I know breakfast is ready, you say it every morning, if you just knocked on the door I'd come down!" Remus was taken aback but he looked at the obviously tired teen with sympathy, he knew from that moment something wasn't right, he had been suspecting it the last couple of days, Harry wouldn't talk to anybody.

"Alright" Remus replied softly putting his hand on Harrys shoulder. He defiantly knew something was really wrong, angry Harry was completely out of character but he replied. "Come down when you are ready" Harry who had realised what he had just done and quickly apologised

"Sorry Remus. I don't know what got in to me. I'm coming now" Remus looked at Harry accepting his apology with a nod of the head. They both headed down to breakfast

"Ah Harry, glad you could make it" joked Sirius "you have mail" still in the same mocking voice. Remus looked at Sirius who got the idea straight away. Harry had taken his Hogwarts letter off the table and opened it. The letter contained his new book list for the new term. Harry then started picking at his pate and pushing the food around. The two marauders watched Harry playing with his food. Sirius decided to tackle him head on. The teen looked tired and very pale, whatever it was he wanted to know.

"Harry?" asked Sirius. There was no answer. "Harry? Are you alright?" asked Sirius in concern though he wasn't prepared for the response.

"Yes Sirius, I'm fine, I'm here, aren't I? there's nothing wrong with me!" Harry barked at Sirius got up and left the kitchen slamming the door behind him. What was he thinking going off his rocker like that, being so stupid? Harry decided to relieve his pain at once and made his way up to the bathroom and cut his arm in four places and let the blood drain out of him, letting the feelings out too.

Meanwhile Sirius and Remus were left shocked at Harrys reaction, they both knew something was wrong, really wrong with Harry. They had suspicions which had just been confirmed. Both marauders decided to talk to Harry once he had calmed down in an hour or so. In the meantime, the two brainstormed ideas in which to help Harry and to find out what he was hiding from them.

Harry on the other hand was cleaning up his recent mess in the bathroom, his wrist stinging from the cuts. He made his way back to his room once he was happy there was no trace of blood left. Harry slumped onto his bed head pounding, his scar prickling. Harry drifted into a light sleep he was falling into the graveyard again and he witnessed his classmate die again. He was shouting at the top of his lungs.

…

Sirius had left 12 Grimmauld Place to go a meeting with the new Order of the Phoenix at the burrow, they had changed the meeting from Grimmauld place to reduce Harrys concern and stress, even though he wasn't coping anyway. Remus was left with Harry in case he woke up and didn't know where they were even though the two marauders knew that Harry wouldn't notice, he hardly left his room. Remus was glad that he stayed when he heard shouting from upstairs and ran up to find Harry asleep, thrashing around screaming

"NOT CEDRIC, KILL ME INSTEAD, NO! NO!"

"Harry wake up!" Remus had his hand on his shoulder, stopping Harry thrashing about. Harry woke abruptly and reached for his wand standing up in the process. "Harry, its ok, it's me Remus, no one else" Harry lowered his wand slightly.

"It was only a dream; you are safe" Remus said quietly as he looked into the scared teens eyes which were filled with tears and fear. "Are you alright Harry?" Remus asked

"Yes I'm fine, I'm brilliant" replied Harry, his voice hoarse forcing himself into a smile. Sitting back down on the bed.

"No Harry, you are not fine. You were just threatening me with your wand, you were screaming about Cedric. How often do you have these nightmares?"

"That was my first one in a few weeks" Harry lied as he pulled his long sleeve of his shirt over his hand so Remus couldn't see his wrist, he then started to fiddle with it and stare at the floor. He wasn't looking Remus in the eye, Remus knew he wasn't telling the truth, not only had he heard him nightly screaming at the top of his lungs but Harry had a bad habit of fiddling with anything when he lied or was nervous. Remus had an increased sense of hearing (from being a werewolf) and had woken during the night and heard Harry. He didn't want to disturb the teen so he let him cope on his own until it got serious.

"No it isn't Cub, please tell me!"

Remus, I told you I am fine, it isn't anything, I can sort it out"

"Harry, I've heard you in the night" the sympathy coming out in his voice. "I thought that you were coping ok. But you're not, you are not ok. How long have these dreams been going on for?" Remus asked softly placing his hand on the shaking teens shoulder and rubbing him with his thumb. Harry gave in, not wanting to argue any longer, he was too tired to fight any longer.

"I've been having them at least once or twice a night" Harry said bluntly trying to hide his tears

"And what are these dreams about?" asked Remus hurriedly trying to keep Harry talking while he was talking.

"Mostly about the graveyard, Cedric dying, the dark lord returning and seeing my parents. Sometimes it's Ginny back in the chamber, I don't know what I would do if I let her die. Though sometimes I still get dreams about the night my parents died…" Harry paused tears rolling down his cheeks. Harry had never cried before in front of anyone ever since the Dursleys punished him for crying. However, there was something about Remus which made him able to let go as if he understood what he was going through.

"Aw Harry why didn't you tell me or Sirius, we could have brought you some dreamless sleep potion"

"It tastes disgusting and I always feel like I haven't slept when I have it"

"I know Harry but look how upset you are and how you have been. Sirius and I haven't seen you unless we are at the table and even then we can only get a few words out of you"

"I didn't want you to know, I can handle them, just don't make me have the potion, please Moony and if Sirius finds out…"

"He would only be concerned for you, and he would want to help, we have had our fair share of drama when we were in school, nothing could shock us. All we want is for you to be happy here"

"He would send me back to the Dursleys, he wouldn't want me anymore. I don't want to disappoint him" Remus had pulled Harry into a tight hug and let him cry into him, he knew that Harry needed to let it out one way or another. Harry who had relaxed let Remus take his weight cried properly, something he hadn't ever done before. Remus understood, he didn't know why and he didn't know how but he trusted him.

"Shh Cub, that's it let it all out. You would never disappoint us, all we want to do is help you" Remus said gently, as he let him spill all his emotion out, he hadn't realised how much Harry had kept inside for all this time. He kept hold of Harry until he had tired himself out and had drifted into a peaceful sleep. Remus laid Harry back onto his bed and let him sleep.

"It will be ok, Cub" Remus whispered before turning out of the sleeping teens room, thinking he had got somewhere with Harry, he knew there was more to it than the dreams but he would leave that for another day. He thought about how much this must have been hurting Harry, bottling it up inside of him like that, it wasn't good for him. Remus decided not to tell Sirius as he would just want to interrogate Harry and he knew from his own experience that all Harry needed was someone who understood. Someone that had experienced everything. He couldn't break his trust now, not after he'd just opened up to him.

 **Note: Sorry I didn't upload yesterday, I had some technical difficulties. Please leave a review, I would love to hear what you think bout Harry opening up to Remus. Any suggestions for the future you can say so too I am open to anything. Thanks**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

 **Note: Hey everyone, I hope I am not moving too fast with this fan fiction.**

Harry woke to a soft pat on his shoulder, he hadn't dreamed and he actually felt like he had some energy back in him but he still felt crappy not like before but he still felt like he was to blame and that he had disappointed Sirius. He sat up and put on his glasses, he saw Remus sitting at the end of his bed looking concerned

"How are you feeling Harry?" he asked concerned

"I'm ok" Harry replied, it was the first time he had been some kind of ok in weeks though he still had a guilty feeling in his stomach, it didn't feel as bad.

"Sirius is making lunch, I thought I'd come to see how you were doing, you didn't have a nightmare did you?"

"No" Harry replied, he was thankful he didn't, he couldn't let Remus see him thrashing around for the second time that morning.

"Alright, but from now on I'd like you to come to me if you do have a nightmare and remember that Sirius and I are always here to talk if you need to, I'll wait for you outside while you change, we can then go downstairs together. I know Sirius wants to talk to you" Harrys stomach dropped a few feet, he wondered what he wanted to talk about, what had he done wrong or had Remus told Sirius.

"There's nothing to worry about, I haven't old him if that's what you are worried about" Remus said, withdrawing himself from the room. Harry got changed into a long-sleeved black shirt and some jeans, he then fit his brace over the baggy jeans and locked it in place. He then looked at himself in the mirror making sure that no-one could see his injured wrist. He then picked up his crutches and opened the door.

Remus was waiting for him and they went down the stairs. They were greeted by a large plate of sandwiches which Sirius had made. Harry sat down opposite Remus and Sirius and he tried to tuck in but he still wasn't that hungry, the guilt he felt was still turning his stomach though it wasn't as bad as earlier.

"Are you alright pup? Remus was saying that you have been asleep all morning"

"Yes, I'm fine, I was just tired, I couldn't sleep last night" Harry quietly said half looking at Remus who was giving him a reassuring nod.

"Anyway" said Remus changing the conversation he knew Sirius would had liked to talk to Harry about that morning but he couldn't let Harry go through that right now "What are we going to do about Harrys school books, he needs new robes too"

"Well, Molly said she was going to take everyone to go the week before school. You need new robes too Moony. Harry, would you like to go today or with everyone else on the last week of summer?" asked Sirius

"Could we go today" said Harry quickly "I don't want people staring" Harry added. Sirius gave him an inquisitive look; he knew Harry would never pass down an opportunity to be with his best friends, it just wasn't like him.

"Harry, are you sure you are ok? You can tell us anything, you know that" Sirius said concerned. Harry was fighting his anger, he wished he would stop asking if he was ok, that's all he ever asked him these days and all he got in return were, I'm fine or I'm ok.

"You know what Sirius?" Remus interrupted "I think it is best that we go today, Diagon Ally can become pretty crowded near the start of term, it would be easier for Harry to get around if we go today, he might be knocked over if we go later" Harry nodded in agreement and gave Remus a look of thanks

"Yes, I see your point Remus" said Sirius in a dismal voice "Be ready by the fireplace in half an hour then?" Harry nodded and made his way quickly to the bathroom and added another three cuts to his sore arm, his anger nearly got the better of him again, he couldn't let Remus or Sirius find out anymore, he would just have to be more convincing from now on.

Harry pressed an old piece of cloth on his arm until it stopped bleeding, he then wrapped the cloth around his arm and pulled his shirt over it hoping that the cuts wouldn't start bleeding again, he then made sure you couldn't see anything on his wrist before going to his room, taking his money bag and jacket before making his way back downstairs to the fireplace where he found Remus and Sirius waiting.

"Alright pup? Have you got your booklist and moneybag?"

"Yeah" replied Harry, nodding.

"We are going by the floo network; you have used it before?" Harry nodded as Sirius tried to hold back a laugh "Remember to speak clearly" instructed Sirius as he threw some floo powder into the fire which turned an emerald green. Harry remembered the last time he had used the floo network, he had ended up in Knockturn Ally, this was one of the stories that Sirius had laughed at so hard that he had to be sent out by Remus. Harry then picked up some powder and stepped into the fire. The flames were warm around him, Harry then threw the powder into the fire and shouted

"DIAGON ALLY!". He started to spin and he kept a firm grip onto his crutches so that he wouldn't lose them. He stared to look for the fireplace in the leaky cauldron which he soon saw and stepped out. He felt dizzy and kind of queasy and he was covered in soot. He was soon joined by Remus followed by Sirius who cleaned them up with a flick of his wand.

 **Note: I hope you enjoyed. I'm not too happy with this chapter as it is a bit short and it is a link in events but nevertheless important. Please review to tell me what you think. I'm open to any comments!** **J**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Once the dizziness had worn off, the three left the Leaky Cauldron and went into the ally. The shops were as busy as usual, everyone was bustling about getting their shopping, children were dragging their parents into shops.

"We need to go to Gringotts first" implied Sirius "We need to get money out of our vaults" Harry nodded to show that he was listening before they made their way to the cream stoned building at the top off the ally that towered over the other shops and stalls. They entered through the double doors and saw the many goblins sitting at desks. The three went up to a goblin called Griphook. Harry recognised him from his first year, when he first knew he was a wizard.

"Mr Sirius Black would like to make a withdrawal from the Black main vault, I would also like to sign some paperwork that the ministry has left for me to take custody of Harry here. Mr Harry Potter would like to make a withdrawal" explained Sirius. Harry was in awe; he didn't think Sirius was being serious. It must be a joke or something

"Sirius, are you really keeping me forever?"

"Yes, I will be your proper guardian and you will not be going back to the Dursleys, I don't care about what Dumbledore says, you will be safe with me."

"I'll never have to see them again"

"If you don't want to" at that moment the Goblin had found the paperwork and asked the three to follow him through to a back room. It was like a muggle office with files everywhere and a desk in the middle of the room. The three sat down opposite the goblin.

"My name is Griphook and I will be performing the ritual today. Mr Potter, at this moment in time, you have lived with your Aunt and Uncle since your parents have passed away. This relationship should never have been allowed, your mother specifically said in her will that she did not want you near them. Professor Dumbledore however, thought it was the best for you. Anyway, before we run into that problem I will tell you why you are here today." Harry nodded and understood what the Goblin was saying

"You Mr Potter have charms placed upon you for which you are bonded theoretically to the Dursleys, no one else has the right to look after you without their permission. Mr Black would like to change that and let you be bonded to him and Mr Lupin, this would mean that they will protect you and are responsible for you until you come of age at 17. If you agree, all Mr Black and Mr Lupin must do is sign the paperwork and I will perform the switching spell, we will then be able to go down to your vaults. From now on you will be able to access the main Potter vault once Mr Black and Mr Lupin gain custody of you"

Harry was stunned into silence; he didn't think this was happening. Harry gave his permission and both Sirius and Remus signed the paperwork under the wizard's oath. The goblin then chanted a few spells whilst a golden dust surrounded the three, as soon as the goblin had stopped chanting the dust was gone as quick as it came. There was warmth in Harrys chest and he felt happy.

"Mr Black and Mr Lupin should be able to explain your finances to you when you come of age, the key you have is for your trust vault where only a portion of the Potter gold is kept. Do you have any questions?"

"I do not, thank you Griphook"

"Very well, Mr Potter, if you would like to follow me we can go down to the vaults"

The three followed Griphook down a few corridors before they made their way into a cart to go down to the vaults. Harry was the happiest he had been all summer and both marauders smiled at the teen who looked like a child at Christmas.

Once they set off they went deep under London, the route was lit by fire torches, Harry counted each number as it passed. Finally, they stopped outside his vault. It was still full of golden galleons; silver stickles and bronze knuts. Harry stuffed his moneybag full of the gold before returning to the cart. Griphook locked the vault and handed him back the key before they set off for Sirius' vault. It didn't take them long to get there. The goblin unlocked it and Sirius collected his gold. His vault was as full as Harrys but had many a jewel in chests as the colour gold filled the room.

When Sirius had returned to the cart and they were going again, this time to get out, he started to explain to Harry about Gringotts

"Pup, you have a lot to learn but here are the basics for now"

"Alright"

"The Blacks and the Potters have many vaults, mainly to split the money for different things, like savings and your trust vault. I will explain to you how to manage them when you are older" Harry nodded, he understood, he thought he was babying him but he didn't mind, it was nice to think that he had money and could pay for things himself.

Remus had been quiet throughout the trip as if he was embarrassed for not going to his vault. Sirius who had noticed this talked to him about it

"Remus you know what's mine is yours don't you, there is plenty enough here for me to share. The interest in the vaults replenishes the money spent over the year"

"I can't take anything off you, I need to get a job and start paying you for rent"

"Don't be stupid Remus like we used to say to you. Your friendship is worth more than all the money in here we marauders always stick together" Those words cheered Remus up a lot and he was cheerful when they stepped out of the cart.

The three thanked Griphook and made their way out onto the ally, Harry saw a prophet on the floor what which said in large letters on the cover 'IS THE CHOSEN ONE MENTAL?'. Harry looked at it in disgust but knew deep down that he was very mental, the dreams he kept on having were swirling around in his head and the relief of cutting sorting it all out.

"Harry?" came an echoed voice. He didn't recognise it at once but when it repeated "Harry, are you alright?" he snapped back into reality. He had slipped back into his dreams, Harry was angry with himself for losing control like that, he only hoped that he hadn't given anything away.

"Harry, are you ok?" asked Sirius, he had his hand on Harrys shoulder and he was looking worried

"I'm fine, sorry" Harry replied rather bluntly. Sirius was taken aback but knew for sure there was something wrong with his godson. Remus was looking rather sympathetically, he had assumed Harry had thought about his dreams, but he would talk to him later if he felt up to it.

"Anyway, as we are here let's get your books" Remus implied, changing the conversation and throwing the paper back in the bin (Where it belonged in Harrys opinion) before the three walked into the book shop.

"5th year now, Mr Potter" asked the manager, "come through here, what subjects are you taking this year?" Harry handed the booklist to the manager and she went off to find the books. Sirius kept eyeing him suspiciously and Remus was looking around at some old books. "There we are then, that should be everything there. That will be 3 galleons and 16 stickles please" Harry paid for the books before Remus shrunk them and put them into his pocket and the three left the shop. They next went to get new school robes for Harry as well as new day robes for both Harry and Remus (Sirius asked for the Potter crest on Harrys day robes).

Once they were measured and fitted, the manager handed them the new robes to them and Sirius paid again shrinking the packages down before leaving the shop. The three then went to a few other shops picking up potion ingredients and some owl treats for Hedwig. They stopped off at the Leakey Cauldron and had some food. Tom the innkeeper remembered that Harry's favourite pudding was treacle tart from when he had stayed there before. They then picked up a supply of firewiskey for Remus and Sirius and some Butterbeer for Harry before using the floo network to get back to Grimmauld place.

It was late when they returned and Harry was tired from hobbling around all day on his crutches. Harry made to go back up to his room (to punish himself for losing control) but Sirius stopped him.

"Remus and I would like to have a chat with you before you go upstairs tonight, don't worry you are not in trouble, I just want to explain some things to you and I'd like to ask you a few questions"

"Alright" replied Harry sitting down on a chair in the kitchen eyeing Remus who gave him an encouraging nod. Reus and Sirius then sat opposite him and he felt he was in Snape's office.

 **Note: Hey guys, thank you for sticking with me so far. What do you think will happen when Remus and Sirius sit him down, leave a review if you would like to give your opinion! The next chapter should be up soon! Thanks TR**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers. I'm just playing with them.**

Harry sat down on the kitchen table, his eyes were heavy and he could easily fall asleep at that moment but he knew he couldn't so he just slumped onto the table as the two marauders sat opposite. Both men looked concerned. After a few moments silence Sirius was the first to speak

"I know this has been a confusing day for you but you are starting to worry me a bit, what happened earlier in Diagon Ally?"

"Nothing" replied Harry bluntly

"Harry, it wasn't nothing, you went really pale and looked horrified, what is it, if you tell me, I can help you?" Harry stared at him still silence "You can tell us anything, we won't be angry or shout, we just want to help you? Please Harry" said Sirius desperately

"It was the Prophet wasn't it?" said Remus suddenly, looking sympathetic as if he knew what happened. Harry nodded.

"What about the Prophet? Remus what do you mean?"

"I'm saying that the article on the front of the Prophet was about Harry, that's enough for anyone to be shocked" Harry nodded in agreement glad that Remus had noticed too

"I'm sorry pup, don't take any notice, I bet it was by that bloody Rita Skeeter. Don't believe anything she writes it is load of bullshit" said Sirius as he went to grab Harrys arm but he drew away quickly. "What's up pup, you can tell me. You haven't been yourself since you have been here, what's up I can help you!"

"I'm fine, could I just go upstairs, I'm really tired"

"Yeah of course pup, we will discuss this more tomorrow, goodnight pup" Harry nodded and picked up his crutches and made his way up the stairs and into the bathroom and picked up his blade before making his way back to his room and locking the door.

Harry took of his jacket and rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and made five cuts deeper than normal and let the blood roll down his arm, all the anger was slowly draining out of him, he soon stated to feel rather dizzy and his vision was blurring. Harry quickly pressed an old t-shirt onto his arm until it stopped bleeding. He then rolled his shirt back down over his arm, threw the bloody t-shirt into the corner of his wardrobe and laid down on his bed. He soon fell into a restless sleep.

…

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Sirius was staring at Remus speechless, he had his head in his hands…

"What have I done wrong Moony, what am I doing wrong? I know he is hiding something, I just don't know what, it must be something simple, is he in pain from his leg, but he'd tell us if he was in pain wouldn't he? I need to go and speak to Dumbledore, he knows what he's like better than I do he has been his headmaster, I've only seen him for a brief amount this summer and when they broke me out last year. I did floo him, he was much better then, it's something that has happened recently but I can't pinpoint it, Dumbledore will know, or Molly, she's been like a mother to him"

"Sirius, whatever you do, don't go to Molly, she will wisp right here and make Harry angry and he might feel worse than he does already, the less number of people who know the better. I don't think you should go to Dumbledore, Harry wouldn't like you to do that but I can't see any other way, unless you can get him to open up which at the moment is proving difficult. Do you want to talk to him alone?"

"That may be an option but I feel like he connects to you more these days, like he is going through something you have been through but I can't think of what it is"

"I agree; he's hiding something more than his physical pain"

"I'm going to floo Dumbledore and see what he thinks, do you mind staying here, just in case Harry decides to come downstairs, I'll try and have a word with him later, see if you can get anything out of him"

"What if he doesn't want me to tell you? I can try convince him but I don't think he will fall for that, he's a smart kid"

"I don't know Remus, if you can sort it out no problem but I'd like to know, I wouldn't know why he wouldn't talk to us though I mean we wouldn't shout or anything"

"I know, we need his trust and I think going to Dumbledore will only make matters worse"

"Then we won't tell him and I know Dumbledore wouldn't say anything"

"I guess Padfoot, go now before Harry comes down, if you are going" Sirius went to the fireplace and took some floo powder. "Good luck Padfoot" and Sirius stepped into the fire before saying

"Headmasters Office Hogwarts!". Sirius then started to spin and disappeared leaving Moony in the kitchen alone.

…

Sirius span around until he landed in Dumbledore's office. The old man was sitting at his desk stroking a wonderfully coloured bird of which he knew as Fawkes his phoenix. Dumbledore turned around

"Of what do I owe the pleasure at this hour?"

"It is about Harry, he is hiding something, something serious but I don't know what it is. He had been withdrawn all summer hat do I do Albus?"

"Calm, Sirius, I of course understand your predicament but panicking won't solve anything. Now come take a seat so we can discuss the issue present" Sirius sat down and looked up at the old man with a twinkle in his blue eyes. "Now, I do believe that Harry has been through an awful lot in the last month, I can understand why he has been withdrawn. However, I too sense that there is something more than what meets the eye"

"But what do I do Albus, I can't get him to speak more than a couple of words every day"

"Sirius, Harry doesn't like to show any kind of weakness, or that he's hurting. He needs to be able to open up to someone, someone he can trust and has gone through some of what he's feeling. Sirius, if Harry is not blaming himself for Cedric's death and the rebirth of the Dark Lord then I do not know Harry at all. Can't you think of anyone who has in the past, held a secret in fear that you will hate him. Someone who has gone through pain like Harry is?"

Something clicked in Sirius' mind "What you are saying is that maybe he would open up to Moony more than I because of his 'fury little problem' but what if he doesn't want him to tell me?"

"Yes Sirius, it is Remus. If Harry doesn't want you to know, perhaps you should respect his view until he is ready to talk or things get out of hand. However, I think Remus is already onto his case, with his werewolf instinct of course"

"That makes sense, I just need to keep on reassuring him that if he needs to talk I'm there for him, I won't push nothing"

"If it gets serious, don't hesitate to contact me" Sirius knew his time was up and headed towards the fireplace before asking

Have you been able to assign a new Defence against the dark arts professor yet"

"Unfortunately no, I have been thinking of inviting Remus back to teach this year otherwise the ministry will assign someone, do you think he would agree? Of course, appropriated arrangements will be put I place once again."

"I do not know, he seemed to enjoy his year back at Hogwarts I will send him along later if you would like?"

"If it is possible I will appreciate it if you let me send him a message myself via owl"

"Alight then" he then stepped into the fireplace and shouted "12 Grimmauld place"

…

Meanwhile back at 12 Grimmauld place…

Rems took out his book he was currently reading and opened it before starting to read. Though it wasn't long before his wolf ears picked up a screaming noise from upstairs. Remus dropped his book and ran upstairs to Harry's room, which he tried to open by force, he couldn't open it.

Harry must have put something in front of it to stop them coming in. He took out his wand and shouted "Bombarda!". The door flung open and Harry was thrashing around again screaming.

"MUM! DAD! DON'T LEAVE ME, I CAN EXPLAIN! PLEASE! COME BACK"

Remus' heart dropped the thought of his best friends death still hurt him. He stood in silence for a moment or two before grabbing Harry by the shoulder and started to shout "Harry, wake up! It's only a dream, No one is going to hurt you" Whilst shaking him awake Remus saw some red, raw skin under Harrys left sleeve and dreaded the worst.

Harry sat bolt upright and grabbed his wand again and aimed it at Remus before realising who it was. "Sorry Remus" Harry then relaxed as Remus sat next to him and brought him into a tight hug. Harry relaxed into him.

 **Note: Hey everyone, I ope this doesn't jump around too much. This is my favourite chapter so far. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave a review if you have any questions or your opinion. Thanks. TR**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

"Don't say sorry cub, bad dream?" Harry nodded, trusting Remus further as he obviously hadn't told Sirius about the dreams yet "Want to talk about it". Knowing Remus would sit there until he told him about it he started to talk cautiously.

"Well, I was kind of back in the graveyard, the same graveyard Voldemort returned" Harry expected Remus to flinch but he stayed perfectly calm and nodded squeezing his shoulder as encouragement, "and it was when our wands connected and you know that I saw…"

"James and Lily" finished Remus with a pained voice. "What did they say?"

"They were angry, for not stopping Cedric dying and Voldemort returning…" he couldn't say anymore, it was too painful to remember. Remus hugged Harry tightly again who was now shaking.

"Your mother and father would be proud of you, whatever you have done. You fought him and got out of that graveyard alive. He would have killed you on the pot if you let him, but you didn't you fought and everyone is so proud of you, it was a dream Harry; dreams are not reality unless you make them". Harry let Remus take more of his weight, tears rolling down his cheeks.

The two sat for a while taking in the surroundings. Remus thought it must have taken Harry a lot of trust to show this much vulnerability and how bad he must feel but he still thought there was a deeper problem alongside or because of the dreams. He decided he would wait until he had more clues to work it out. Though he did want to convince him to speak to Sirius about it as he was Sirius' godson.

"Harry, how would you feel about talking to Sirius about your dreams? You don't have to of course, but I think it would help, at least have a think about it eh cub?" Harry nodded to say he understood but was not going to tell Sirius, having Remus know was enough. "Why don't you get yourself cleaned up and I can go make you a hot chocolate, we can play exploding snap for a while then or wizards chess?"

"That would be good, thanks Remus" said harry who was feeling a little better, and with those options he wouldn't have to go back to sleep. "Where is Sirius?"

"Oh, he is having a meeting with Dumbledore regarding your protection for the next year"

"Ok but I don't need protecting, I can fight myself"

"I know cub, but it is better to be safe than sorry" added Remus as he made his way to the door and closed it so Harry could have some privacy. He then made his way down stairs.

Harry quickly got changed and followed Remus down the stairs. As he sat down Remus brought over two hot chocolates.

"Thanks Remus"

"Your welcome Harry." The two sat in silence for a while taking in the warmth of the chocolate before the fireplace lit up and out came Sirius Black

"Harry, what are you still doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep." He replied bluntly as he finished his chocolate and rushed out the door, up the stairs and into the room where Buckbeak was. He bowed to the hippogriff and it bowed back. Harry then sat by its side stroking it's head thinking how he had reacted. He lent into the hippogriff as he got more comfortable in the room.

…

Meanwhile in the kitchen the two marauders were talking.

"What did Albus say Sirius?" asked Remus concerned, Sirius had come back from the headmaster's office deathly pale

"I told him about Harry, how he has been very quiet, not eating right and I'm sure he's not sleeping much. Anyway, Dumbledore said that if Harry wasn't blaming himself for Cedric's death then he wouldn't know Harry at all. How could I think that he would be ok after what happened? I can't believe we have overlooked that factor. Not to mention being run over by that car when he was chased by that dickhead of a cousin he has! He then explained that to get him to open-up, he needs to trust us. But why doesn't he trust us, we have never done anything to hurt him"

"You have to remember Sirius, that Harry has grown up with people who haven't given him any sort of love, this is the first time he has experienced this, he may not be used to it"

"That is very true, but he also said that he may open up to you more than I that, I do not understand"

"let me remind you that I was his teacher for a year"

"Right, I forgot about that" Sirius said. Remus smiled

"We will help him, trust me, he may just need time"

"You are right, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to stop trying, was he talking to you when I returned earlier? I wont be angry or anything, I just want to know if he is talking"

"it is not my part to tell you, but he hasn't opened up a lot I can sense there is a deeper problem, ive only scratched the surface with him"

"Oh, well at least you are getting somewhere"

"Not really Sirius, I'm fighting a brick wall at the moment, perhaps you could try and talk to him after the full moon tomorrow night, so then you will be alone whilst I recover"

"Yes I will try that, I'm going to try anything to help him. I don't like seeing Harry like this"

"I agree but none of us are going to be doing any good to ourselves by staying up through the night. We should go to bed" the two marauders walked upstairs and it their rooms turning off the lights as they went all the while Harry was with Buckbeak pondering what to do next.

 **Note: I know this chapter jumped around a bit again and I hope it was not too confusing. Sirius is obviously worried and Remus has just found out how bad Harry is feeling what is the best way forward for them. Leave a review to tell me what you think or have any questions! Sorry for not uploading for a while, been busy with college work.**


	13. Chapter 13

**First of all I would like to apologise for it being so long since I updated, I've has writers block and have been busy with studying. Thank you all so much for the reviews, they make my day every time I read them. I will try to update more often, it wont be left this long again. Thanks so much for reading this!**

Chapter 13

Harry awoke next morning to a banging on the door and a screech from Buckbeak. "Sorry Beaky, there you are Harry" it was Sirius. "What are you doing in here?" he asked as he looked at Harrys tired, pale haunted face there was defiantly something up, he really wanted to know so he could help him but he was going to try after the full moon when the two were alone.

"I don't know" replied Harry bluntly as he stood up and started to head towards the door

"Where are you off to pup?

"Oh, to my room to get changed" snapped Harry as he went out of the room and down the corridor.

"Breakfast is ready when you are changed" shouted Sirius behind him. Sirius went downstairs to help Remus with the breakfast whilst Harry quickly got changed and hobbled downstairs to join them.

"Morning Harry, how are you this morning" asked Remus. Harry didn't answer, he was too caught up in his thoughts, daydreaming, thinking about how irrational he had been that morning.

"Harry? Remus is talking to you" reminded Sirius, this time it sunk in

"Oh, sorry. Hi Remus" said Harry as he sat down and rested his head on his arms. Sirius gave Remus a meaningful look, Remus put a plate of egg and beans in front of Harry who pushed his food around his plate. Sirius was about to open his mouth to say something when a large tawny owl swooped in and landed in the middle of the table. It had a letter attached to its talon.

Remus untied it, the owl waited for Remus to scribble a reply with some nearby quill and ink before taking off through the window. Remus had an inquisitive look upon his face as the owl flew into the brightening day.

"What is it Remus?"

"I've been offered the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts position this year" replied Remus, Sirius smiled

"So, are you going to take it?"

"I don't know, after last time I'm unsure, I'm going for a meeting with Dumbledore about it this afternoon before the full moon tonight, however I'm not going to get another job in the meantime."

"Ok, anyway" Sirius paused, looking at harry as his mind set back to what he was going to say before the were greeted with the news. "You've got to eat something, Harry?" he said trying to make conversation with his godson who had just ignored the conversation so far, still pushing food around his plate.

"I'm not hungry" replied Harry, as he tried to suppress the sickening feeling from the food, Harry knew it was good food but he just couldn't bring himself to eat anything. He knew he needed to eat, he just couldn't see the point anymore. Sirius glanced at Remus then looked back at Harry

"How though, you've hardly eaten anything since you got here. You need food to heal your leg, there's no way I'm letting you back on that quidditch pitch without you eating enough". Harry desperately wanted to say that he didn't care and all he wanted to do was hide away but he knew that wasn't an option.

"I'm fine Padfoot" he finally said "I'm just no that hungry right now" Harry explained, keeping his temper. He didn't know why he was angry, they were only trying to help but a voice in his head kept saying _you don't deserve help, you don't deserve to be here_. He wanted to shut the voice out, but he couldn't.

"Promise me you will eat at least a few more bites" replied Sirius. Harry knew he had to or he wasn't going to be let back to his room, so he quickly ate a sausage and half his beans before getting up and leaving slamming the door behind him.

Harry didn't know what was going on with him, all he knew was that he wanted that sickening pain of the blade across his skin, anything to relieve the pain he was feeling. It didn't take him long to find his blade and settle down in the bathroom he made three more cuts to his already scared skin. The pain rushed up is arm, the blood dripped down over his hand. The welcoming of numbness filled his chest and the relief that followed.

He didn't know how long he was sitting there and unaware of how much blood he was losing. After a while he pressed a cloth on his arm and waited for the bleeding to stop, it was taking longer than usual. He was starting to worry that it wouldn't stop, what would he do, he couldn't let it bleed out.

After what seemed like forever it finally stopped and just in time it seemed. Harry heard footsteps coming up the stairs and suddenly hoped that it wasn't Remus with his heightened werewolf senses he quickly wiped up the mess and put the bloody rag in the wash, before he let himself be seen. He went out of the room and nearly knocked over Sirius

"Pup. I didn't expect you to be coming out there"

"I'm sorry" he replied and rushed off to his room. He didn't care what Sirius would think of him as he sat down on his bed and started to thump his pillow. He didn't notice the light knock on the door, or the door opening. Harrys thoughts once again surrounded him; _you should be dead, not Cedric. You don't deserve to be alive._ _You are not worth anything, why do you bother, you're so selfish and disrespectful to Sirius and Remus, you are fucked up, messed up. Look at yourself, how pathetic you are, you should have taken that cup on your own. This is all your fault…_ his thoughts were interrupted. A soft hand rested on his shoulder, Harry couldn't bear to look up at Sirius

"Pup, what's going on?" asked Sirius as he knelt down to Harrys level. Harry shook his head, not wanting hi to know what was going on. "I know something is wrong, tell me, I can help. Nothing is going to shock me and I'm not going to shout. Please Harry"

"I need to get some sleep Sirius, I'm just tired" explained Harry his voice eerily calm. "I didn't get much sleep last night"

"Promise to speak to me later?" asked Sirius wanting to get to the bottom of the teens problems. Harry nodded as he just wanted to get Sirius off his back, he however didn't plan to tell him anything when they came to talk later.

Harry waited until the door closed before he lied down on his bed and swore loudly into his pillow. Why was he so stubborn he was only trying to help? _You're not stubborn, you are just pathetic and worthless, you don't deserve to live, why carry on, there's nothing here for you_ said the voice. Harry wasn't thinking straight so he got off his bed and headed towards the window. He opened it as wide as he could and swung his legs over the side, letting the sun hit is face and the wind blow through his head. He made his was towards the edge and breathed in the clean air, what would it be like to let himself go? Let it all end? No one would miss him, he was the same freak the Dursleys called him and he was weak, at least Tom wouldn't have his wish granted…

 **What do you think Harry will decide to do? an what will Sirius and Remus think? Thanks for reading, if you have any suggestions or questions feel free to ask. I really appreciate the reviews and the followers. I hope this chapter has lived up to the last. Many Thanks TR**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey Guys, first and foremost can I apologise for the lack of uploads recently, I've had some personal stuff going on and starting uni. I'm going to try and upload more frequently from now on since I now know where this story is going and my writers block gone. I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.** **I'm only playing with them!**

Chapter 14

 _Harry waited until the door closed before he lied down on his bed and swore loudly into his pillow. Why was he so stubborn he was only trying to help? You're not stubborn, you are just pathetic and worthless, you don't deserve to live, why carry on, there's nothing here for you said the voice. Harry wasn't thinking straight so he got off his bed and headed towards the window. He opened it as wide as he could and swung his legs over the side, letting the sun hit is face and the wind blow through his head. He made his was towards the edge and breathed in the clean air, what would it be like to let himself go? Let it all end? No one would miss him, he was the same freak the Dursleys called him and he was weak, at least Tom wouldn't have his wish granted…_

 **…**

Harry felt the wind rush through is hair as the sun beat down onto his pale skin, he leant forward but caught himself quickly when he heard a knock at the door.

"One minute" Harry replied as he swung his legs back to safety and sat on the sofa which was right to the side of the window just in time as the door started to open. It was Remus, he looked oddly at the wide-open window and continued towards Harry, cautiously as if Harry was on fire. Remus finally took a seat by Harry and started to speak

"Harry… are you ok?" he asked. Harry nodded his reply "Can I ask you something?" again Harry nodded. "Can you tell me why that window is open so wide?"

Harry heart jumped and his stomach hit the floor. It took a while for him to answer rand wen he did it came out edgy and sarcastic. "Um… well… I was warm, and I wanted some fresh air" Remus looked at him in concern

"Are you sure Harry?" he asked, harry nodded in reply not wanting to speak, he was about to break down, he was digging his nails into his hands trying to keep his cool. "You know I'm here when you want to talk" as Remus put his hand on the shaking boys shoulder, stood up and went towards the door. For a moment, he thought Harry was going to say something when he raised his head but he didn't, so he walked out and shut the door behind him **.** Moony had a 6th sense about Harry, he always seemed to know when something was wrong.

When Harry heard the footsteps of Moony die away he decided that it was too risky to end it all, that he needed to be here to defeat Voldemort and if he was killed on the way he didn't care, as long as no one else died for him. Harry decided to try and hide how he was feeling better than he was before and hopefully everything would return to normal, then he could do it when people were least expecting it. All of that commotion made him too tired, so he laid down on the sofa after applying a silencing charm as the warmth of the sun coming through the open window as well as the breeze, Harry drifted off into an uneasy sleep…

 _Harry was back in the graveyard, Wormtail came out from the house. "Cedric, get back to the portkey!" he yelled. But it was too late again, "Avada kedavra" said a high pitched voice, no mercy within. Then his scar burnt as Wormtail placed the thing in the blanket into the human sized cauldron. Harry felt as Wormtail cut his arm before a black thing rose from the cauldron. Voldemort had returned._

 _Voldemort looked around, his eyes met Harry, the pain worsened…" Crucio!… the pain was immense…so immense he felt a thud._

The next thing Harry knew was that he had fallen off the sofa and was on the floor, his scar still prickling. He got up and made his way towards the bathroom and locked the door. He added another three cuts to his sore arm and sat there watching the blood drip onto the white and blue floor. He quickly cleaned himself up before making his way back to his room to get changed.

Knowing he had an apology to make to the worried Marauders downstairs, he slowly made his way down the stairs and carefully opened the kitchen door.

"Hi Harry" greeted Sirius gently

"Hi Sirius, Remus" Harry took a deep breath preparing himself to lie to the two people who cared most about him "I'd like to talk to you about something"

"Of course, pup, take a seat" replied Sirius, pleased that he will finally know about what as going on with his godson.

"I know I've been well, not myself recently and I wanted to apologise for being so angry with you guys, it wasn't needed, it's just the change of environment that has shocked me and having two people who are always there, thank you guys" lied Harry.

"That's ok Harry, thank you for telling us what is wrong. Anything we can do to help?" asked Sirius

"No, its okay" said Harry, "want a game of exploding snap?" trying to change the subject. Sirius smirked at Remus who smiled back, glad that Harry had told them something, he would keep an eye on him for the rest of the summer though, he knew Harry wasn't being entirely truthful. This also had made up his decision to take the position as a teacher at Hogwarts again this year. Harry needed him.

The trio had a few games of exploding snap before Remus had to leave to talk to the headmaster. Harry and Sirius continued to play on as Remus started to spin rapidly in the emerald flames of the fireplace.

"So how is your holiday homework going Harry?"

"Not too bad, I'm nearly done" he lied smoothly, in reality he had not touched a single piece of work.

"Do you want me to check it through?"

"No, its okay Padfoot. Whilst on that note, is it okay if I look in the library for some more information about transfiguration?"

"Yes of course you can Pup, you don't need to ask, this house is yours as well as mine" replied Sirius. "You know it's the full moon tonight?"

"Yeah, I do, what is Remus going to do during the full moon, is he going to be staying here"

"Yes, he will be but don't worry we've been working on a safe way for him to spend the full moon, he hardly is awake, he sleeps after his potion"

"Sounds good… say you never told me the story about you finding out Remus was a werewolf?"

"Haven't I?" replied Sirius "Well this is a perfect time to tell it, Moon Moon gets a little embarrassed when we tell it" joked Sirius "You ready?" and so Sirius began the story of how he and James had found the young werewolf in his friend….

 **NOTE: I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I know it changed attitudes very quickly but I assure you the truth will come out to Remus and Sirius eventually. Harry is still struggling immensely but is getting better at hiding it. Please rate and review**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Sirius abruptly finished his story as the fireplace lit emerald green, Remus stepped out of the fire and bushed the soot off his clothes, his face bore a smirk across his face, his eyes lighter than Harry had ever seen them before on a full moon.

"What's got you in a twist Moony?" asked Harry curiously

"Well" glancing at Sirius "The headmaster has given me the job he promised and a little more, he wants me to teach a voluntary defence against the dark arts club for all those who believe the Dark Lord has returned and train them to defend themselves more practically so that we are o step ahead this time around"

"That sounds great Moony, I defiantly know the Weasleys ad Hermione would be up for it"

"Well I'm glad to hear that, talking about the Weasleys Dumbledore thought it would be best if they arrive tomorrow morning, you now being cooped up in here all summer isn't good for you Harry"

"Yeah, I guess" replied Harry, trying to hide his anxiety about the whole thing "But it's the full moon tonight, wont you be sore?" he asked trying to prevent his friends coming, he knew they would be more suspicious than the two Marauders, they'd bug him until they told him what was going on, or got something out of him. Harry knew if his friends came he would not be able to feel the comfort from his blade much."

"Ok, cool" replied Harry, trying to sound positive

"Why don't we all eat and have an early night, so we can have a less grumpy teenager and werewolf tomorrow morning" Said Sirius

"Oi, who are you calling grumpy Padfoot?" said Harry and Remus in unison, both scuffing up his hair knowing he hated it, he stood up and turned into his dog form and jumped up onto the table. He started licking Hrry and Remus, his fur all scruffy like his hair.

"Padfoot!" Harry laughed "you win, you win we'll go to bed after some food. Padfoot changed back to human, smirked and started to cook food. Remus went to help him as their backs were turned Harry put his head in his hands negative thoughts bombarding him. _You don't deserve this food, you didn't cook it you lazy arrogant freak. They only keep you about because they have to, on Dumbledore's orders. Yu should have let Voldemort kill you, you are a mess, you let Cedric get killed._ Harry was shook from his own mind when he heard someone calling his name.

"Harry, would you like beans or peas with this?"

"Beans please"

"No worries"

Harry made sure he wasn't overwhelmed with his thoughts as dinner was put on the table luckily the conversation drifted to quidditch as they ate their food. The Chudley Cannons were on a good run and may be able to win the league this season. Harry struggled to eat the food even though it was a small portion. He made sure he ate it all and after quickly excused himself to bed.

Harry went up to his room to get his blade before going into the bathroom. Initially he threw up the food he just ate until he couldn't no more. He then cleaned up and let himself release the overwhelming feelings on his arm. He didn't realise how deep he was going, he even came to the conclusion that he didn't care what happened.

He didn't know how long he was in there before he heard the Marauders climbing the stirs. Panicked he quickly cleaned up and found an old bottle of perfume and sprayed it all over the bathroom and hoped that Remus' werewolf sensed wouldn't pick up the metallic smell of blood.

Unfortunately, there was a soft knock on the door. Harry opened the door and looked at the people outside. Luckily there was no hint of worry on their faces just curiosity.

"Harry, I'm not going to let you turn into my mother, this place smells like the wretched woman, what have you done?"

"I just found it and wondered what it smelt like" exclaimed Harry, trying to sound calm

"Like it's not strong enough already. I thought I had cleared this bloody house clean of this stuff, I thought I'd never have to smell it again. Oh well I'm glad you have found it I always wondered why Creature is always in here and always smelling of it. Give it here" said Sirius seriously "Now off to bed with you" Harry nodded as h made his way past the Marauders. Remus still looked the same as he did when he opened the door, curious even suspicious. Harry hoped that he didn't suspect anything or eve if it was part of the full moon.

He went into his room and got ready for bed. He put a silencing charm around his bed so that no one would hear him in the night. He tossed and turned for a while, he couldn't sleep the anxiety was too much. _The Weasleys and Hermione are coming in the morning, they will be suspicious, you didn't answer their letters, they will hate you, you deserve hem to shout at you, you don't deserve their company. You are better off dead, punish yourself, keep doing it, you deserve it. They will know something is up and you better not show them how weak you are, you are supposed to be the chosen one saviour of the wizarding world._

His mind stopped as he heard a howl from upstairs, he knew Remus' transformation was complete. He listened to him running about for a bit before settling down to sleep, he did the same, there was something comforting about the werewolf. He drifted off quite peacefully until his nightmare returned… it was the very same one.

 _Harry was surrounded by the people dearest to him looking livid "What have you done Harry?" whispered his mother's voice._

 _"_ _You have shamed our family" said his father's voice. "I would have thought you were better than this"_

 _"_ _He killed me because you let him do it. Why didn't you stop him? Why didn't you save me?" Snarled an angry Cedric._

 _"_ _No, Cedric No, I couldn't stop him. CECRIC PLEASE" Harry shouted in return, so he could hear him. The ghostly figures turned their backs and walked away leaving him to the mercy of the dark lord. "No, NO!" Harry yelled._

Harry sat bolt upright and realised what had woken him up, Sirius' dear mother was shouting in the hallway and a persisting knock at the door. The Weasleys were here…

 **Note: Hey guys I hope you enjoyed this chapter it will get a bit more interesting from now on. What do you think will happen? Please review any feedback is greatly appreciated.**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Harry listened as about a dozen pairs of feet thundered downstairs followed by familiar voices of Mr, Mrs, Fred, George, Ron and Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger and Mad-Eye Moody. There was a general sound of owe as they entered the house, no one had seen a house as big as his one. He then heard Sirius greeting the guests

"Hey everyone, thank you for coming to stay here. This is 12 Grimmauld place the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. Why don't you all go into the kitchen for some breakfast while I go and get Harry. It was the full moon last night so Remus is still pretty tired"

Harry took that as a cue to get out of bed and quickly get changed into a long-sleeved top, he hid his blade in an ugly pair of his Uncles socks just in time for a soft knock on the door.

"Harry? Are you up? The Weasleys have just arrived" Harry was dreading seeing his friends, he had hardly slept the ight before and was tired of his life. He knew they would all be worried about him. Instead of answering he opened the door, smirked t Sirius who ruffled his hair before making their way downstairs to the kitchen. The room went from loud to silent within a matter of seconds, they all looked shocked.

Hermione was the first to speak after a matter of minutes saying what was on everyone's mind. "Oh Harry! What have you done to your leg? Why didn't you write? We were all so worried when we heard what happened" She gave him a bear hug before releasing him and he was smothered by Mrs Weasley who then pulled out a chair for him. "Oh, Harry dear, we didn't know it was this bad, what are we going to do with you" she said

"Guys, I'm okay, I promise all its going to take is a couple of weeks to heal and ill be right back to normal, hopefully before we go back to Hogwarts, now stop worrying. How are you all anyway" there was a general mumble of yeah

"Why don't I make us some breakfast" asked Sirius

"Ill give you a hand" replied Mrs Weasley as she got up and walked up to the stove, waved her wand and about a dozen eggs, sausages and rashes of bacon came floating across the room and into the pan. Ron, Hermione and Ginny then went to sit around Harry. Harry asked about their holidays had been which they replied that they played a lot of quidditch and Hermione a lot of reading, she couldn't wait until they went to Diagon ally to get the new ones.

"I've already got mine" said Harry bluntly "I don't think ill be coming to Diagon ally when you go"

"Oh, come on Harry, its so much fun usually, we can go into the joke shop and get ice cream!" said Ron Excitedly. Ginny seemed to understand though

"Harry has his books already because he can't very well go and hobble around Diagon ally wen it is filled with people, he is bound to get knocked over or pull more attention than usual and he needs to recover before school starts back"

"Ginny is right Ronald, Harry has done the sensible thing. But Harry, are you sure you are ok after what happened at the end of last year?"

"Thanks Guys, and yes Hermione, I'm fine" said Harry trying even harder than usual to be normal, trying to ignore the screaming thoughts in his head. He had to cut soon, or he was going to burst. He was glad when breakfast was on the table and everyone was eating. Harry didn't want to eat he felt sick, but quickly ate about half of the food before excusing himself to the bathroom. He threw up the meal and cleaned the bathroom up before making his way back to the kitchen.

"We are going to Diagon Ally tomorrow Harry le me know if you need anything while we are gone" said Mrs Weasley "Sirius has told me you have already go your books"

"Yes thanks" Harry replied "Hermione, Ron, Ginny do you want to go to the library?"

"Yes, that would be great I'd love to add a few more inches on my Potions and transfiguration essays"

"I'm sure you will find lots of books up there on transfiguration, Hermione, these are the books I used to become an animagus" implied Sirius "Just be quiet, we have a very grumpy werewolf upstairs". The foursome nodded and quietly made their way upstairs into the library.

Hermione and Ginny, instantly in awe of the books set off looking for one she thought was interesting. Ron sat on one of the comfortable chairs and fell asleep. Harry rolled his eyes and went to look for a particular book about Glamour charms, he had heard Remus talking about it to Sirius the other night.

After about half an hour of searching he found a book and flicked through it before placing it in his bag. He then joined Hermione and Ginny on the table doing homework. Somehow, he felt he could concentrate a bit better with them there. He didn't know if it was the pressure or just wanting to be normal that kept him going the whole day. He managed o scrap together a piece for each homework.

They all had dinner together and had an early night because the others had to get up early to go to Diagon Ally. Harry went to the bathroom with his blade after Ron (who he was sharing a room with) fell asleep, he crept quietly into the bathroom and locked the door, he made sure no one was awake before he threw up dinner which made him feel a little less sick. He cleaned up the mess before sitting n the toilet et and rolled up his sleeve. Quickly and smoothly he sliced his arm 5 times, each one deeper than the next. He felt some sort of better, at least numb for a while at least.

After quite a long time in the bathroom he cleaned up and made sure his cuts weren't bleeding by wrapping an old teatowel around it. He then made his way back to the bedroom and fell into a restless sleep.

"Harry! Harry! Wake up" cried Ron, shaking the jet back haired boy. Harry took his initiative and pulled out his wand and pointed it a Ron "Woah, its me Harry your best mate, Ron"

"Ssssorry Ron" replied Harry shaking

"Are you ok?" asked Ron, concerned because he had never seen his friend act like this

"Yeah, I'm fine, bad dream, its alright, go back to bed" Ron nodded and went back to sleep quite quickly. Harry lie awake in the silence, annoyed at himself for waking Ron up. No one knew why he acted like that, he couldn't tell them what had happened over the summer for waking people up or doing anything bad. Harry had a feeling that the Order had written to his Uncle the night before picking him up, that's why he didn't do anything.

It was a long restless night and when he was called for breakfast he got up tiredly and made his way down with Ron who had yet said nothing about the previous night. They had breakfast in silence, luckily everyone else was looking tired too. They were going to leave at 10, Sirius was going with them, Remus wasn't fit enough yet and Mrs Weasley said Harry needed more sleep. The Weasleys, Hermione and Sirius flooed to the leaky cauldron leaving Harry alone with a sleeping Remus upstairs.

He took this opportunity to use the book, knowing there was a magical block on the house, so everyone could do magic. He went to his room and got out the book from the library the previous day. He read the first few chapters before he rolled up his sleeve, grimacing at the cuts before muttering the spell "Vulnus Expleret" instantly his cuts faded a lot, he repeated the spell here ties before they were all covered. He then read:

 _"_ _The glamour charm has to be renewed every 4 days or before if the wounds reappear, the glamour's will fall if you are in extreme panic, danger or are emotionally unstable. This charm should work for most wounds, bruises, tattoos and injuries. The charm might not cover the injuries or tattoos if they are significant or you will need a very powerful magic to do so. The charm will wear the more you use it and you might need to step up in the complexity of the spell if used for an extensive time period"_

That should work he thought, he listened around to see if Remus was awake. He wasn't. So, Harry took off his shirt and looked in the mirror at himself. Looking back at him was a very thin 15-year-old, his ribs stuck out a few at funny angles. His torso was black, blue, red and yellow, some welts were still open. He then turned around and looked at his back in the mirror, it was worse, you could see his spine sticking out of his back, his usually pale skin covered in the same colours, more open welts shaped oddly like belt marks. He couldn't look at it anymore.

Suddenly images flashed across his eyes, his Uncle had him from the neck and was taking off his belt. Harry curled into a ball, whined like a wounded dog and waited for the impact that never came. The images stopped as suddenly as they started. He heard Remus arousing, he quickly did some glamour's to cover all the damage, he looked a lot better once he had finished. Harry just put his shirt back on as Remus knocked o come in, Harry started to panic suddenly thinking Remus would know…

 **Note: This was a long one, wat do you guys think? Please review. Thank you all for reading and enjoying the story. Maybe one or two chapters they will go back to Hogwarts which will shake things up… what do you think? Thanks again TR**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

The room started to close in on him, his heart beating so rapidly he thought it was going to jump out of his chest, air felt harsh as he tried to force it into his lungs. He felt the glamour charm on his torso felt and a sharp pain where his cracked ribs were.

Remus heard the boy panic and burst in through the door. He grabbed the boy and placed his head on his chest and said "Harry! Harry! Breathe for me, follow my breathing, in and out, in and out" Harry who found it comforting to have Remus there, followed his breathing, the room slowly came back to normal size "That's it Harry" he could breathe again.

After a while Harry came out of his grasp "Thanks Remus, sorry about that"

"Have you ever had one of these before? A panic attack?"

"Yeah, a couple of times"

"Do you know what happened to trigger it?" he asked. Harry shook his head, not wanting to continue the conversation. "Harry, you can tell me, I have an ear if you want to talk?" Harry shook his head again. Remus sighed knowing something was seriously wrong with his cub, he knew he was hiding something, he didn't know what, he wanted to find out but decided to keep a very close eye on him, he seemed to be coping a bit better since his friends were here. But this attack had really startled him, seemed to be back to a couple of days ago.

"Do you want some tea Harry?" asked Remus, trying to change the subject. Harry nodded as he picked up his crutches and started to make his way downstairs and into the kitchen. Reus shook his head and followed his cub downstairs. Remus prepared some tea and added a calming draft to Harrys to make sure he didn't panic again. He passed the mug to Harry and sat down opposite him.

"Thanks Remus, how are you after the full moon?"

"I'm getting there, one more day and ill be right as reign again" Remus smiled "How about you, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine" Harry said smiling trying to make it look convincing "So you are going to be a Professor again, just as I got used to calling you Remus" Remus laughed

"Well only in class and in the corridors, other times you can call me Remus," He laughed "Now I heard that you are a chess player, fancy a game?"

"Yeah sure" The pair played for a good while, until the fireplace turned emerald and Sirius appeared. He walked over to the pair and whispered something into Harrys ear. Harry then made his move.

"Checkmate!" he smirked.

"Padfoot, what have we said about taking sides?"

"He is my godson and if I wish him to win that's the way it will go" Remus sighed but gave Sirius a smirk. He shook his head as Sirius turned into his dog form and started running around the room before putting his paws on Harrys chest and started licking him. Harry couldn't stop laughing. Remus thought at least this was one thing that did hep Harry, he almost seemed normal at this point, but he knew that this front he was putting on was strong.

"What! Is going on here!" shrieked Mrs Weasley, the last to come home from Diagon Ally

"Come on Mum, they are only having fun" cried Ron. Molly sighed and started to work on food. The rest of the Weasleys and Hermione went upstairs to drop their things off. Harry followed them upstairs leaving the adults to talk. He found them all in the library around a table as soon as he entered Ginny pulled out a chair next to her and indicted to Harry to sit down. Harrys heart took a leap, something about her made him light and excited. He sat, and they played exploding snap until they were called to dinner.

There were plates and plates of Mrs Weasleys tasty cooking, Harry hoped he could keep it down today. Harry didn't eat much just a little bit of everything, luckily no one noticed. He felt a bit better after food, Remus glanced over at him knowing about the calming draft earlier, perhaps he wouldn't run to the bathroom after. This satisfaction Harry didn't. Harry felt good as he felt he was back at the Weasleys, talking about quidditch and how to prank Malfoy.

It was getting late, Mrs Weasley ordered them all to go to bed. Harry waited again until Ron was asleep before he carefully made his way to the bathroom with his blade, his urge to cut was getting unbearable especially since Remus had caught him earlier. Thinking of Remus, now that he was better, Harry had better not dawdle. He added a few more cuts to his arm, the glamor charm falling as he pierced his skin. After he had finished he cleaned up and replaced the glamour on his arm and his torso before he made his way silently back to bed. He put up silencing charms around his bed before falling into a very restless sleep.

"Don't burn the bacon you freak!" yelled Mrs Dursley as a five-year-old Harry came from his cupboard and into the kitchen, he then put some oil into the pan and placed the bacon in the pan. Dudley came running in and ran into Harry, the pan flipped off the stove and burnt his hand. Harry started to cry, so did Dudley who had barely had a scratch. "Oh Diddykins! What has that freak done to you?" at those words Mr Dursley came storming in and grabbed him around the throat. He took out his belt and started to beat the young boy until he lost consciousness and stopped crying. He then was thrown into his cupboard into darkness.

At that Harry awoke in a sweat, panicking again. The room was closing in, he remembered what Remus had done earlier and he started to breathe again. He felt the welts on his back stinging, his ribs burning and his arm throbbing. His glamour charms were falling again. He quietly got up and took his book into the library and started to read the next chapter of the book for a stronger charm before he took his shirt off and muttered "Abscondere Vulnera" his wounds were instantly covered, he felt his magic increase around him. He did the same for his back and torso before he put his shirt back on. Harry noticed the time and quickly and quietly went back to his room.

The next couple of days were quiet and they spent most of the time relaxing and playing games as a group. Fred and George showed them their latest inventions and said they were going to sell them at school. Hermione huffed and as new school prefect she disapproved.

Soon came the day before they were to go back to Hogwarts, Madame Pomfrey was visiting to check on Harry that day, Harry was nervous for some reason or another he hoped he could finally put some weight on his leg. There was also a lot of rushing around that day, everyone looking for their things to pack for Hogwarts. Remus left at midday to get everything set up at school. Harry felt a bit lost without him there, he was always a calming presence.

When the matron arrived, Sirius greeted her and called for Harry who came downstairs slowly. He was on edge and hoped his charms would hold, even if he panicked, that's what the book said anyway. He sat down and looked at the matron.

"How are you doing Mr Potter"

"Yeah ok, just can't wait to get back to normal"

"That shouldn't be a problem, it has healed nicely, over the next couple of weeks I want you to slowly start to put weight on it again, come to me if you have any pain, I will review you in a month and hopefully get you off those and just in the brace and eventually back to normal. How does that sound Potter?"

"Yeah ok, thank you" replied Harry

"I will see you 1st October, 10am promptly in the infirmary"

"Yes ma'am" Harry replied, glad that she was leaving, he still had to pack most of his stuff away.

By 9pm that night everyone was finally all sorted except for the clothes they were wearing the next day. Molly had prepared a feast. Harry knew he couldn't keep down much so he added one of everything to his plate. He ate quickly making sure no one noticed how little he was eating. Molly ordered them to bed after food. Harry as usual waited for Ron to be asleep before he made his way to the bathroom. He had his stomach churning and as much as he tried to stop himself he threw up in the toilet.

Wanting to punish himself his cut his arm five more times, deeper and deeper. He panicked at the amount of blood he couldn't breathe; the room was going dark he finally fainted in the pool of blood from his arm…

 **Note: What do you guys think will happen next, will Harry wake up or will someone find him in the night? I hope you enjoyed this chapter I will update soon. Please review I answer each one via pm TR xx**


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Harry awoke abruptly, shaking and cold. Shit, he thought, he wondered how long he had been there, he listened for a while and still heard the eerie silence of 12 Grimmauld place, he hoped it wasn't too late. He cleaned everything up with a quick banishing charm, washed his arm under the cool tap water and added is glamour's. Quietly he opened the door and went up the corridor and into his room. Thankfully Ron was asleep, or so he thought.

"Where have you been for the last two hours? I was just about to go and look for you myself"

"I've been with Beaky" said Harry "I haven't seen him in days and since we won't have time tomorrow I wanted to see I'm"

"Alright Harry, whatever you say, we'll talk about this properly tomorrow"

"Okay" muttered Harry, starting to worry about what Ron was going to say, what if he told Sirius or worse Mrs Weasley, it was odd that he would act like that he was always very laid back. Ron quickly fell back to sleep, Harry hoped that he would forget about it in the morning with all the rush and everything. They had to be on the Hogwarts express by 11.

Harry didn't sleep a wink, he kept one eye on the clock and the other on the window when the sun started to rise he thought his heart was going to jump out of his chest, he suddenly couldn't breathe and the rom was closing in on him. He was flooded and couldn't stop panicking. He was losing control, he grasped his blade that was still in his pyjama pocket, rolled up his sleeve and cut into his arm, the sudden pain of shock and he was back in control again.

Turning around he made sure Ron was still asleep before sorting himself out with a glamour and put his blade safely in a pair of socks from his Uncle. He was exhausted, but he couldn't sleep now, it was nearly time to get up to leave. He sat by the window and watched the sun rise.

There was a knock at the door and Mrs Weasley burst in. "Morning Harry dear" as she went over to Ron and started shaking him awake. Ron moaned "Ronald! Come on! Wake up! Breakfast downstairs in 5 minutes" as she left Ron turned over and went to go back to sleep but fell off the bed he was sleeping on

"Bloody hell" exclaimed Ron

"You alright Ron?" asked Harry tiredly

"Yeah" he replied yawning.

"Come on let's go down to breakfast before your mother comes back in and gives us a rollicking" Ron muttered and started getting ready, he had seemed to have forgotten about last night. Harry sighed in some relief, the panic in his chest reducing a little.

The two boys went downstairs and entered a full kitchen, everyone was bustling about. There were stacks of toast and sausages laid on the table. Harry sat down in between Ginny and Sirius and placed 2 sausages and a slice of toast on his plate and added butter. He then quickly ate it before anyone could say anything. Luckily everyone was rush about as predicted gathering all the last-minute things into their trunks. Sirius caught him a he was going upstairs and pulled him into a quiet room.

"Harry"

"Sirius"

"Its been a while pup, how are you doing?" he asked concerned he knew Harry was still off, he really wanted to get to the bottom of his problem before he got to Hogwarts.

"I'm doing ok Sirius" said Harry trying to make it sound convincingly. Sirius didn't buy it.

"No, you're not, I can tell, you look just like your father when he is trying to hide something, now spill"

"Its just these and my leg and everything, the new year in school, they are all going to think I'm so weak" said Harry honestly, it was a very small part of the problem, but it was something to get Sirius off his back.

"Oh Harry, I know things don't seem good right now, but your leg will heal and if that idiot Malfoy gives you any grief ill come and hex him silly as Padfoot" Harry laughed, Sirius always knew how to make him laugh "Now go on, you have things to pack" Sirius hugged Harry before he went back to his room. He was nearly done he only had a few t-shirts and a jumper and he was packed. Hedwig flew into her cage knowing they were nearly ready to go.

"BOYS!" a yell came from the floor below indicating it was time to go. Sirius levitated everyone's trunks downstairs and into the Ministry cars that Arthur had managed to get from the ministry again. Apparently, they had had a difficult time getting them but insisted because of Harrys injury. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Sirius went in one car and Molly, Arthur and the twins in the other.

Harry spent most of the time staring out the window, he wished he could've convinced the adults to wear his invisibility cloak in Kings Cross but they all said it was too dangerous, what if he fell over. Harrys thoughts were getting the better of him again. _Look they have to get Ministry cars for mad Potter, always centre of attention because you want to. You have no friends they only are friendly because they must be. You are worthless to them, useless, you need sticks to move around._

The next thing Harry knew Ginny was taking his hand, he calmed down a lot, there was something about the gentle Weasley that he though was beautiful. She didn't make a fuss just made sure he was ok. Harry tried to get in on the conversation but luckily the cars pulled up in front of Kings Cross soon after. Sirius placed Harry's trunk and Hedwig on a trolley and started to push. They casually leant against the wall between platforms 9 and 10 and casually went through the portal.

The Hogwarts Express stood there, scarlet and grand as ever. For once everyone was there early and there weren't many people on the platform. They placed their trunks in a compartment and came back out to say their goodbyes Harry wanted them to do it quickly so that he could go and hide in the compartment before too many people saw him.

"If you ever need me, or want to talk, send me an owl and I can floo to Remus' office" said Sirius

"Thanks for everything, I'll see you soon"

"Your welcome Harry" said Sirius as he hugged him and helped him back into the compartment. The rest of the Weasleys and Hermione soon joined him. At 11 o'clock the train started to move, they all waved to Sirius, Arthur and Molly before they turned the corner and all you could see were trees, fields and bushes. Hermione and Ron had to excuse themselves as new prefects they had to have a meeting in the closest carriage to the engine. Fred and George went to see what their friend Lee Jorden was up to.

Ginny and Harry were the only ones left in the carriage, they sat in silence for a while. Ginny was the first one to speak "So are you going to tell me what's been up with you? You look awfully tired" she asked gently

"It's complicated, I can't explain it" replied Harry quietly. There was something about Ginny that he felt he was able to have a conversation with her about anything. He didn't know if he could even explain his thoughts, they were all just complex and overwhelming.

"Whenever you are ready, ill be here always know that"

"Thanks" Harry smiled, she smiled back, she had a gorgeous smile, it made the heavy blanket of weight seem lighter for a bit. She held his hand and they both looked into each other's eyes. The dark chocolate swirl enchanting him. Moving closer as their noses touched and finally their lips connected. It was only short, but her lips were so soft and perfect. They smiled again.

Harry then started to panic, _what had he just done, kissed his best friends sister, what was he thinking, no one likes him he is just a waste of space, she deserves better…_ but before he could have a full on panic Ginny's hand squeezed tighter, instinctively knowing what to do he calmed.

"Harry, it's okay, I like you too" Harry smiled again. From that point he knew Ginny was the one. It was lucky the trolley came down the corridor as Hermione and Ron came in talking about how Malfoy (the git) had become a prefect, otherwise someone could have caught them. The four had some pumpkin pasties and chocolate frogs in silence. Hermione buried herself in the standard book of spells grade 5 whilst the other three talked about quidditch. A drowning voice then entered the compartment

"So, it's true, the mad man is back in the mad house, murderous Godfather got off by luck, did he?" Harry tried to keep his anger contained he knew reacting now wouldn't be any good "What have you been doing this summer? Making up dreams? Faking fainting and fitting?"

"Shut your face Malfoy!" Yelled Ron

"As for you Weasel, I'm surprised you made it though the summer due to lack of food and you Mudblood you…" Malfoy didn't finish his sentence, Harrys anger had boiled over, he ran over to Malfoy and thumped him straight on the Jaw. Malfoy ran as fast as he could t the other side of the train, he had never been hit so hard ever.

"Harry your leg!" yelled Hermione. Harry then felt the pain as his leg collapsed. Ron and Ginny helped him back onto his feet and back onto the chair. Ginny took his hand and helped him calm, he soon had his emotions under control and was able to take his mind off things whilst playing exploding snap. They all got changed into their robes.

Ten minutes later the train pulled into Hogsmeade station. The four were the last off the train and had the last carriage to the school. They ere walking into the entrance hall when Harry heard his name being called by Professor McGonagall "Mr Potter! Mr Potter, can I have a word" Harry went over to his head of house and started to follow, hoping that this was not about the incident on the train.

 **Note: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, just a special mention to MetallicGirl for her reviews, they have made me so happy and I'm glad you are enjoying it. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations. They are at Hogwarts now; would you guys like to see more Harry and Ginny? Please Review. Thanks again TR**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Harry slowly went over to his head of house, leaving Ron, Hermione and Ginny to walk along with the rest of the school into the Great Hall. His Professor was looking as stern as ever, but gave a sympathetic look at Harry as he came towards her. "Follow me Potter" she said as she turned and started to walk.

Harry followed her into an empty classroom not far away from the Great Hall she sat behind the desk and indicted for him to sit down. So, he sat down carefully trying to not bend his injured leg, he hadn't managed to bare weight since is clash with Malfoy on the train. He then looked up at his Professor with a puzzled look.

"Mr Potter, Professor Lupin has told me about the situation with quidditch and your injury. I hear you have a guard that will protect it until it comes a time where you can play without it. However, there are other conditions for general safety you must acknowledge before I let you into the feast. 1. You may leave 5 minutes before each class finishes if you so need the time to get to your next class. 2. If you are in pain, Madame Pomfrey has asked to see you straight away. 3. You must attend a meeting with Professor Lupin every Friday evening at 7 o'clock. Is that understood?"

"Yes Professor" replied Harry getting more anxious each second, he could feel an attack coming on and he desperately wanted to stop it.

"Harry, I do hope you are okay. If you need to talk or anything I'm here" she sighed

"I'm fine Professor" replied Harry

"Alright then Mr Potter you may go into the great hall" she said as she stood up and opened the door, Harry managed to smile and nod. If he had opened his mouth he would have opened the door to panic. He hoped McGonagall would have not walked with him into the great hall, anxious and ready to panic already he didn't want the hundreds of eyes on him as he went in.

They came to the entrance to the hall, McGonagall put her hand on his shoulder, he couldn't help to flinch, he couldn't do human contact right now. She opened the door and it looked like the sorting had just finished, Professor Sprout was carrying the three-legged stool back to a chamber at the back of the hall. Everyone turned around to see who had just entered. The hall suddenly went silent. Harry couldn't cope, he needed to cut, he needed to escape and hide. The walls started to close in on him, the silence became louder, like ringing in his ears.

Harry sat down right on the end of the Gryffindor table and hid his face in his hands. Finally, people started to talk, he knew it was about him, he didn't care, he wouldn't be here for much longer he thought. Harry was breathing very shallow; the walls were still very close. Hermione's voice was echoing inside his head.

"Harry! Harry! Are you alright?" She was saying, rather loud. Harry couldn't respond, he was panicking, he was sure half the school had their eyes on him, watching his every move. Harry then felt a gentle, warm hand slip into his own and a very comforting voice.

"Harry, you are safe, breathe with me, in for four, hold for 7, out for 8" Harry followed the pattern and he felt a little calmer. "Keep going, you are okay, keep breathing, in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8" They stroked Harrys hand up and down softly. Slowly but surely, he came back into realisation. He turned around to see who was around him. Ginny was holding his hand, Hermione was looking concerned and Ron was eating as much as he could.

"Thanks Ginny" he said, trying to smile. Harry looked up to the high table, Remus, Dumbledore, McGonagall and surprisingly Snape were looking at him with real concern. Dumbledore raised his glass to him very slightly, he gave them a nod to tell them he was okay, but he knew he would be called to see at least one of them in the next 24 hours.

Harry tried to eat as much as he could, he was thirsty, so he downed his drink. By the end of the meal he was feeling pretty normal again, very calm actually. Little did he know that his juice had some calming draft in it. After desert, Dumbledore stood up to make some announcements. The noise died down.

"Another year begins, I would like this opportunity to welcome our new first years, and welcome back to older years. A few announcements, firstly, first years, the dark forest on the edge of the grounds I forbidden to all students. As you can see we have a return of a friendly face, please give a warm welcome back Professor Lupin who will be returning to his Defence Against the Dark Arts post." The great hall applauded, Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys clapped hard. "Furthermore, this year he will be taking a Duelling Club on a Tuesday at 7 o'clock for first, second, third and fourth years and at 8.30pm for the fifth, sixth and seventh years. The idea is to learn in a more practical way to defend yourself in a dark time like this. Signup sheets will be posted in the common rooms over the next week. Now off to bed, you need to be well rested, your lessons start tomorrow.

There was a sudden burst of noise as everyone stood up and started making their way to the entrance hall. Harry got up and started to make his way with his friends to the common room. The Slytherins hissed at Harry as he went past, joking and laughing at his leg and his obvious panic in the hall. Harry swiftly made his way up the marble staircase. He forgot how many steps there were to the common room. He eventually got there and went through the portrait hole, Ron had said the new password (Fizzling Firecrackers) Harry came into the common room which went silent as people did in the great hall.

"Oh Harry, what did you do? Jump off a building being mental, going after the Dark Lord who has returned?" asked Seamus sarcastically. Ron grabbed Harry's robes to keep him from hitting Seamus.

"That's sick Finnigan, you cannot believe everything you read! You've been reading the profit haven't you?"

"Not me, but me Mam, and you know what it makes a lot more sense than you do Potter!" Harry stayed silent loathing him further and further. "Then tell us, all of us, what REALLY happened that night. Has he REALLY returned or are you just a madman looking for attention?"

"I'll tell you what, your right, I'm fucking mental, I'm everything the profit says about me and you know what your mams right, I shouldn't have come back to Hogwarts, because I should be DEAD. I should have ended it there and then. And you know what? You say what you want about me because I give up. It's my fault and I don't give a shit anymore!" roared Harry. The whole common room was listening by this point. Seamus paled as he said those words. A few people looked very shocked, they had never seen Harry lose his temper before.

Harry then left the commo room as fast as he could, making his way up to his dorm room, he heard a bang from the common room followed by applause. Seamus had obviously been hexed with Ginny's famous bat bogey hex. Harry went into his four-poster bed, grabbed his blade from his trunk and drew the curtains and charmed them to not open except for him. He placed a silencing charm around his bed and pulled up his sleeve of his robes. He cut four, five, six, seven times before he finally felt the relief of pain. He expected them to come running up after him, but they didn't.

…

Meanwhile in the common room:

The common room was stunned in silence after Ginny's bat bogey hex, they all had learned to not go near her when she was angry. Before any of them had been able to speak the portrait opened and in walked Professor McGonagall and Professor Lupin. Wondering what had gone on recently to stun the common room into silence McGonagall spoke "What in Merlin's name has been going on here?" she exclaimed as she saw Dean picking Seamus up from the floor. And seeing tears rolling down the youngest Weasleys face. Ron and Hermione looking stunned. Everyone stayed silent.

…

In the fifth years dorm room.

His glamour's fell as he cut further and tears were present in his eyes before he finally broke down. His thoughts bombarding his mind. _See no one wants you here, you are so worthless, you should be dead. You could jump off the astronomy tower or even out of that window right there. It would be so quick and painless. You deserve this pain, to be punished, to be laughed at by the Slytherins._ Those thoughts swirled around his mind as he laid down. Too exhausted to care anymore. Too exhausted of his mind and his aching body.

Harry finished cutting, he tied a towel around his wrist to stop the bleeding before it got too bad. He rolled down his sleeve and laid on his bed. He felt so tired he could sleep right there and then but he couldn't he heard a familiar voice calling his name. "Harry, are you alright"

"Yeah Moony, I'm okay"

"What happened Harry, you aren't ok. That panic attack at dinner and now this" he replied. Harry didn't know what to do, he didn't want to break down as soon as he had just managed to stop. He didn't want to feel this shit anymore. Remus sat on the bed beside him and put his arm around the boy who looked more like thirteen than fifteen. Harry was too exhausted to resist, so he let the tears flow and Remus embrace him. "It's okay Harry, I've got you" said Remus, trying to comfort the young boy.

Harry was so tired he fell asleep while with Remus. Remus laid him down and placed a blanket over him, letting the boy sleep. He would talk to him tomorrow. For the time being he called Dobby to keep an eye on him, to make sure he wasn't distressed when he woke up. If he was distressed to come and get him. Dobby was so excited about the job and smiled at Remus as he left to join McGonagall, in her office

…

In McGonagall's office

"Why don't you all tell me what has gone on tonight, you've only left the feast half an hour ago, acting like a clan of first years. It is not how prefects are supposed to act." She said sternly looking at Ron and Hermione. Ron spoke first.

"Well, we came into the common room and Seamus told Harry he was mental and to go jump off a building"

"Mr Finnigan? Please don't tell me this is true!" cried McGonagall

"No Professor, its true" snarled Seamus

"Why would you say something so erratic to Mr Potter? "she asked

"Well the stuff in the Daily Prophet Of course Professor, it has to be true. It makes more sense than he ever does. He hasn't even told us the story" Seamus explained.

"You do not have the right to force Mr Potter to give out any information on his experiences, that is his and his alone unless he chooses to share it" said Remus as he walked in to the room.

"Professor Lupin is right, you cannot go around telling people they are mental and to jump off a building, do you have any idea how serious that accusation is"

"no Professor" Seamus replied, finally calming down a little

"20 points will be taken from Gryffindor and you will have a detention Mr Finnigan, you may go" Seamus nodded and left quickly with Dean. The remaining three sat in silence.

"Professor Lupin, is Harry going to be ok?" asked Hermione

"I'm sure he will be, he's just tired that's all. Keep an eye on him though, will you?

"Of course," replied Hermione

"Now Miss Weasley, you did hex Mr Finnigan, I'm assuming it was in defence of Mr Potter" Ginny nodded, she couldn't speak, she couldn't imagine how Harry must be feeling right now. "Alright, you three may go" the trio left her office and made their way back to the common room. "Remus, what's happened to the young man I used to know?"

"I'm not sure, he wont talk to anyone including Sirius, its why I want the weekly meetings with hi, to make sure he is okay, maybe he will pick up now he's back at school"

"I hope you are right. Is he okay for tonight though?"

"He should sleep through, the headmaster placed a calming draft in his pumpkin juice earlier and he fell asleep as I was there to check on him."

"Yes, good, he almost panicked in my office earlier, he won't admit it will he?"

"No, the first step to face a problem is realising you have a problem"

"You are right there Lupin, we should get ready for lessons tomorrow"

"Alright, good night Minerva"

"Good night Remus, thank you for coming back" Remus smiled as he made his way out of the room. He went to his quarters and tried to prepare the lessons for the next day, but he couldn't help thinking about Harry.

 **Note: Another chapter down, how do you think Harry will cope now he is back at school. I'm back at uni now so updates will be less frequent, I'm trying to keep on top of it tho. please review. TR**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Harry awake feeling well rested, he looked over at his alarm clock 5.43. Okay yes it was a little early, but he had more sleep than he had over the last week or so. He didn't notice the little elf poking his little head in at him for a while, when he did see the big green eyes he jolted up and bit his tongue to stop himself screaming and waking up the other inhabitants of the dormitory.

"Dobby! What the fuck are you doing?"

"Dobby doesn't mean to intrude, Harry Potter sir, but master Wolf wants Dobby to stay, in case Harry Potter wakes sir. I should get Master Wolf sir"

"No, Dobby" Harry almost yelled and up his hand on Dobby, "I'm fine, don't get Remus it's okay"

"But Dobby saw, Harry Potter was hurt sir, Dobby stopped the hurt, Dobby took care of it. Dobby is sorry he couldn't heal Harry Potter, for elf magic is different to masters." Harry rolled up his sleeve on his robes and looked at the white, soft bandage wrapped securely around his wrist. Harry started to panic, he as sure to tell Remus.

"Have you told Remus, Dobby"

"Dobby has not left Harry Potter's aside, sir. Like master Wolf said. Dobby shall get him then?"

"No, Dobby please Dobby don't tell him"

"If that is Harry Potter's wish, sir"

"Yes, it is"

"Dobby still must tell Master Wolf Harry Potter is awake, sir"

"Ok, just tell him nothing about my arm okay?"

"Yes, of course sir" Dobby popped away. Harry looked down at his arm again. It was odd seeing it all wrapped up, so used to seeing it scarred. Harry started to get changed into new robes. He had managed to get a clean long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans on as Remus walled in with Dobby.

"Harry, would you like to have breakfast with me in my office?" he asked. Harry knew it was a request not an offer, so he nodded and continued to change. He put his shoes on, robes and tie. It was too warm to wear the sweatshirt. Once he was ready, Dobby vanished, and Remus turned to walk out the door, Harry followed. It as an awkward walk to the familiar office, it looked the same as it did two years previous except the table was ready with food for breakfast.

Remus sat down and gestured top Harry to sit which he did and waited for the questions which were inevitable to come. His thoughts were racing, _he knows! He knows! Dobby must have told him I'm in trouble big trouble._ He was preparing for him to take off his belt and raise it above his head. Harry saw as Remus turned into his uncle, he knew he was into it "BOY!" he heard and then pain a lot of pain. He suddenly came back to reality.

"Harry! Harry" Come on Harry, come back to me" he then felt a hand on is shoulder and he came back for reality. He was staring off into the distance, luckily not shouting his head off. "Harry, are you okay? You seemed to go into a daze then, what were you thinking about?"

"Just last night, you know its not every day somebody tells you to go and kill yourself"

"Oh Harry, has been reading the prophet with that skeeter woman, he has been dealt with, no one should ever say that to anyone. Have something to eat" Harry nodded and picked up some sausages and toast and ate it quietly. "You know, it feels like ever never been away"

"Really Moony, it feels like such a long time. So much can change in a year. And," Harry stopped as if he didn't want to say something next.

"What were you going to say Harry"

"Nothing, I was just saying, well being taught by a death eater it would be good to have a good guy on our side again, well the disappointment of the Slytherins" Remus laughed, he was glad even under the clear hurt in his cub, he still could feel the real Harry in there.

"Well, I think everyone is still very behind on their work, how the 7th years are going to pass their NEWTs this year I don't know" Harry looked at Remus and nodded "and all of you have your OWLs this year, we must all prepare"

"So, what about this defence club, do you think it will be good"

"Its difficult to say, especially after the way Seamus acted last night"

"Yeah I guess" the two sighed

"I have your timetable here" explained Remus, "you start Monday, since its Saturday today there is no lessons"

"Thanks" replied Harry, quickly analysing his timetable and he grimaced at the fact he still had potions and care of magical creatures with the Slytherins as well as now sharing his defence against the dark arts lessons with them.

Remus observed Harry and laughed inwardly when he saw the lessons with Slytherin. At least he still acts like a teenager in that sense. But as he looked further and to the boy's eyes, they lacked their emerald spark, the looked dull and gravy showing Remus how much he was hurting but not showing. Harry soon said goodbye to Remus and made his way back to Gryffindor tower

Ron and Hermione were waiting anxiously in their fedora armchairs, Hermione jumped up as Harry entered. "Where have you been! Ron and I have been worried sick all morning"

"Been with Moony" he said bluntly

"Oh alright"

"Say Harry, you want a game of wizard's chess?" Ron asked

"Ronald! You are so insensitive! Harry is tired and angry, he needs rest and peace"

"No, its okay, I'd rather keep my mind off it" Ron grinned, Harry followed him with a grin hiding all the feelings eating him up inside. Hermione sighed and curled up with her book whilst the boys plied chess. They didn't realise how long they were playing for and before they knew it the sun had started to set. Ron's stomach began to rumble so the trio went down to the great hall.

The stars were still very noticeable to Harry, they had gone down at the peak time. Harry sat down at the nearest bench and pt. some food on his plate. Everyone sat around him and put food on their plates, notably more than Harrys. Harry rushed through his food, the anxiety about everyone looking at him. He felt sick to his stomach, he hoped he wasn't going to throw up.

"Harry, are you okay" asked Hermione

"Yes fine, stop asking me if I'm okay, I'm always okay, just leave it, can handle everything" with that Harry stood up and hobbled out of the hall, heading for the nearest boy's toilets. Ron and Hermione were left stunned, they knew Harry was angry, but he had never got up from dinner and walked out before. That made Hermione really worry.

Harry fled as fast as his good leg and crutches would take him, into the nearest bathroom where he emptied his stomach contents. He flushed the toilet and cleaned himself up before sitting down by the window overlooking the lake. It was so peaceful, and he wished he could be at peace even though his mind right at that moment, there was a war going on up there. He needed relief and needed it fast. He glanced around but couldn't find anything sharp.

He had to get back to his dormitory and fast before anyone found him. He quickly made his way up the maybe staircase praying that his best mates were still eating. When he got to the portrait hole he said the password and the it opened. Not even looking around he belted upstairs to his bed and shut the curtains. He unravelled the blade from the socks and pulled up his robes and just as he was about to unravel the bandage he had a thought. What if people saw him. He knew he had to go somewhere private.

Harry searched for his invisibility cloak and quickly found it. He pocketed the blade and put the cloak on. It was difficult to move under it, but he knew he just had to get away. He climbed out the portrait hole and down the marble staircase, took the left corridor which was a short cut for the astronomy tower. It was a long and tiring climb to the top of the tower but when he sat down in the little shelf near the window he relaxed a bit.

Harry took out his blade and cut deeper than he had ever done before. Harry knew he was in trouble because he a losing so much blood, he didn't care though, it was satisfying. Soon he started to become irked and dizzy. White spots filled his vision. The bell rang to signal all students should be in their common rooms. Harry sprung into action and muttered a blood clotting charm so that it old stop bleeding. He then spent five minutes making sure his glamour's were topped off before he went under the invisibility cloak and made his way back to the common room.

When the portrait opened, Harry was quickly smothered by Hermione and her bear hug. Where have you been? Everyone was so worries!"

"I was in the library, I was studying under my cloak to have some peace" Harry lied smoothly

"Oh alright, I thought you had finished your Homework though" agreed Hermione suspiciously

"I think it needed some looking over that's all"

"Oh, okay, why didn't you ask me to do it like you always do?"

"Because It is my homework, and we both know I won't have you in the exam" continued Harry, wishing she would stop questioning him, he was only 10 minutes after the bell

" Oh okay, want to come and play exploding snap?" she asked almost desperately

"No, it fine, id like to get an early night" Hermione nodded and allowed Harry to pass. He went up the stairs and into his bed without changing into his pyjamas. He closed his curtains and laid down. All his thoughts bombarded him, he couldn't think straight, all he could think was that he was better off dead, yes Ron and Hermione would forget him, and it was what Tom wanted anyway. Wasn't it?

Harry dozed off uneasily and dreamt that he was back in the graveyard and he was killed, it was the best dream he had in a while, like he deserved it, the floor opened and swallowed him, fire and lava surrounded him, death eaters placed curses on him. Harry didn't flinch, he knew he deserved it. Then came the part with his parents and everyone saying he had let them down and Harry woke abruptly.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.**

Harry couldn't sleep the rest of the night, he laid there until he heard movement from Ron's bed at that moment he got up and put a jumper and jeans on before going down to the common room with Ron. In the common room Hermione was sat with her nose in the Standard book of spells grade 5, when she saw the boys coming down the staircase she jumped up and joined them on the way down to breakfast.

The usual stacks of toast, plates of sausages, bacon and egg. Bowls of cereal, orange and apple juice as well as coffee and tea covered the four long tables, a handful of students sat at each of the house tables. It was late, so most students were enjoying the last of their free time before lessons started first thing the next morning. Harry sat down between Ron and Hermione and poured himself some coffee.

"I thought you didn't drink coffee" exclaimed Ron rather offended apparently

"Can't guy change his mind about what he likes of dislikes?" Argued Harry

"Well…. Yeah! Replied Ron obviously bewildered. After breakfast the trio went back up to the common room and settled down to play wizards chess and Hermione with her book. Time passed quickly and after having breakfast late they skipped lunch. During the afternoon the three went down to have a walk and a sit under the tree by the lake. They watched the giant squid's tentacles bubbling to the surface then disappearing again.

When the sun started to dip behind the castle and the sun turn from blue to orang and red the three went up to the castle for the evening meal. The hall was full, and Harry was rather reluctant to go in but did without a fuss. Otherwise he would be drawing more attention than he was already. His hear was in his mouth, butterflies in his stomach. Harry managed to eat some food but mainly concentrated on keeping it down the meal seemed to take forever but they all soon left.

Back in the common room they took their usual seats by the fireplace and settled down for a game of exploding snap with Ginny and the twins. It was really good fun and Harry almost thought he was back at the burrow last year before everything changed. They played into the night, everyone wanting to win the final game. The fun came to an end when Professor McGonagall came in at 1am to check all the first years were okay. She scowled at them and everyone scattered into their dormitories. Harry and Ron found it hard to keep their laughter at bay trying not to wake their sleeping roommates.

Soon Ron's snores joined the four others in the room leaving Harry very much alone and as much as he tried to fall asleep he couldn't sleep. He lay there thinking, his mind taking over and the urge to cut was growing. He mustn't though, he decided to get up and do soothing since that was the only thing he could think of to distract himself.

Harry went down to the now empty common room and wondered how Sirius was doing now he was alone. He decided to write to him to se what he was up to, he really didn't know what to ay since nothing major had happened. It wasn't like the previous year when he was competing in the Triwizard tournament and Sirius was on the run. He picked up his quill and wrote _Dear Sirius_ and stopped, he couldn't think of anything to write so he just sat there.

The warmth of the fire was comforting and making Harrys eyes droop. He knew he was best to go bac up to bed, but he couldn't face it. Trying all his might to keep his eyes open but in the end, he gave into the inevitable, to tired to care anymore. He knew he was going to be thrown into his own head and have a nightmare, but it was easier to give in than stay awake.

Harry awoke suddenly breathing hard, in a cold sweat. His fringe stuck to his forehead like he had just come out of the shower. His shirt he was sleeping in was drenched and he was starting to shiver. He noticed the sun was about to rise and he rushed upstairs to change before anyone had stirred. After a warm shower he dressed in his Hogwarts robes and went back down to the common room. Some eager first years were down and waiting for their friends also some 7th years who were making final adjustments to their summer coursework,

Harry took his place by the fire and waited for Ron, Hermione and Ginny to come down it was a while before they did, all yawning and stretching. Harry joined the three as they were going down to the great hall. As they entered Harry noticed that half the school was already there, butterflies filled his stomach, he didn't want to draw attention to himself, so he quickly sat down with the other three and put some food on his plate. Not noticing what he was putting in his mouth he watched the owls come and drop off their post.

Hedwig came down to nibble his ear and Harry gave her some bacon which she ate gratefully before sipping some of his water and flew off back to the owlery to have a nap. Their timetables were handed to them by their head of house. They had a rather hard Monday Transfiguration then Herbology a break for lunch before double potions in the afternoon. A united groan uttered from all the fifth year Gryffindors when they realised they still had potions with the Slytherins. Facing Malfoy was something he could do without today, his head was already hurting from the lack of sleep, he couldn't bare his taunts today he already had his head screaming that he was this, that and the other he didn't need to hear it from someone too.

After breakfast the trio went to McGonagall's classroom and took their usual seats at the back of the class. Their stern professor soon came into the classroom and flicked her wand. The letters O.W.L.s appeared on the blackboard. "O.W.L.s – Ordinary Wizarding Levels. At the end of this year you will all be taking a practical and written examination for all your lessons which will determine what NEWTs you will be able to study in your sixth and seventh year. I warn you all now, to take transfiguration at NEWT level you must achieve an exceeds expectations at least" she lectured before handing out cages of puffins between two they were to start to transfigure them into a kettle.

As hard as Harry tried he couldn't concentrate at all the most change he had made to his puffin was that it produced some steam. Luckily Ron was having about the same amount of trouble he was, and no one noticed his struggle. Herbology was bearable though it was rather difficult to do any practical work with his crutches so ended up just taking notes.

After lunch was potions, Harry despised this lesson more than most he didn't know whether it was the snide remarks from Malfoy or his greasy haired professor that made it worse but now his head was telling him that he deserved all the remarks and that they were true. Adults were always right but can't be trusted. The golden trio were waiting by the door to the dungeon when Malfoy showed up followed by his two goons. Seeming more confident than he was on the train the blond-haired boy puffed his chest out and towered over Harry.

"Yes" Harry sneered

"You are a freak you know, hanging out with a Mudblood and a Weasel" Harry tried to hold his anger that had been building up all day, but he knew he had to control it. Knowing his luck Snape would walk right in on him lashing out on Malfoy. Ron was breathing heavy waiting to attack though Harry patience seemed to be the only thing that was keeping him together. "Too scared to make a move, wimp you are pathetic. Ill get you back" that was the last thing he managed to say since Snape was standing over him.

"Is there a problem Potter?" Snape asked sarcastically Harry shook his head, too angry to reply. "Answer me Potter! I do not read minds!"

"No Sir, there's no problem. Sorry" Harry replied politely. Snape's face went from anger to confusion then back to normal. It seemed like he was taken aback. _Since when did Potter apologise to him? Thought Snape_ the class entered the room and sat down. The lesson went very slow after the 3rd lecture about OWLs Snape started going through the first potion they were going to brew later in the week. Slowly he went through each step of the potion, the class listened intently. Harry wrote everything the potions master said.

After potions they all made their way to the great hall to have some food before heading to the common room to start on the mass of homework they were all given. Harry went into the bathroom and was sick, his stomach finally giving into the sickening feeling in his stomach all day. He then joined Ron, Hermione and Ginny on the armchairs by the fire doing their homework. It was peaceful, and Ginny's presence kept Harrys nerves at bay. After hours of homework the four of them packed up their parchment, quills and books and headed for bed.

Though Harry was tired he couldn't sleep so he went back down to the common room and finished off his essay he was doing. He then went back to bed his eyes tired and falling into the dark hole of sleep. Harry collapsed on his bed and he didn't even remember coming upstairs when he awoke a few hours later. 5am the clock on the wall read. Harry went for a shower to wake himself up before adjusting his glamour charms. He then went down to the common room to find a new notice on the notice board. Quidditch trials, he noticed his name was written on the trial sheet already in handwriting that wasn't Angelina's.

"I thought you'd want to trial with no questions" whispered a soft voice. Harry spun around and saw his favourite redhead smiling at him.

"Well you guessed right" Ginny smiled as she took his hand and lead him to their favourite chair. "why are you up so early?"

"I thought you might have been up and about, so I came down to see you" she laughed her brilliant red hair flicked back by her hand and her chocolate coloured eye shining in the new morning light. She allowed I'm to slide his fingers through her hair and Harry allowed her to place her hand on the back of his neck. Slowly and a little hesitantly he placed his lips on her soft ones. Surprised that she didn't recoil he nibbled her top lip ad her nibble his bottom. It was if all the worries in the world had left him for that moment. Maybe there was something to live for after all he thought.

After the kiss the couple stared into each other's eyes and smiled, then laughed before Ginny laid her head on Harrys shoulder and they both fell back to sleep very comfortable in each other's arms.

They both awoke an hour later when the first few students were making their way down to breakfast, the pair then followed them down to the great hall. It was nice and quiet, and Harry felt like he was able to eat something. They finished as Ron and Hermione came into the hall with a lot of other students. Harry flinched as Malfoy mocked him. After breakfast they had their first defence against the dark arts lesson.

Lupin was waiting in the classroom for his class in his shabby robes and looking tired but smiling all the same. Ron Hermione and Harry took their seats in the classroom and took out their books. However once everyone was seated Lupin said "You won't be needing those books today, now if everyone could give me a hand in rearranging the classroom, we are going to start learning defensive spells" he smiled.

Harry stood to one side as his classmates moved their desks to the side. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, he knew who it was and what he was going to say so he answered before he was asked the question "I'm doing okay Remus". Lupin gave him a sympathetic look as if he could see straight through him, knowing he was holding off until Friday afternoon.

"Today we are going to be looking and learning about the stunning spell. Can anyone tell me what it does?... Yes, Miss Granger"

"The stunning spell or stupefy is designed to stun your opponent into unconsciousness, this is ore of an offensive spell rather than defensive"

"That's right. 5 Points to Gryffindor! Now get into pairs and practice the spell. The floor is soft so it wont hurt." Lupin announced as he waved his wand and the floor turned into a bouncy mattress kind of material. Harry, Ron and Hermione all worked together. Harry got it straight away, he didn't know whether it was his pent-up anger or something else "Well done Harry!" Lupin exclaimed "Another 5 points to Gryffindor" The lesson went fast.

Harrys day went downhill from there, and so did his week. From the mass of homework, he had to do but also not being able to concentrate in class, not sleeping and not finding any time to spend with Ginny. Harry was scared, his thoughts were getting darker by the day but did nothing about it because "freaks" don't deserve to have help.

At 6.45 o Friday evening Harry left the common room to go down to Remus' office his heart was in his mouth, he was sweating even though it was cold, his head was pounding. He can't let Remus in, he had to keep his mind walls up and unpenetrated. It was the longest walk he had ever taken to the defence against the dark arts classroom. He stood outside the door, took a deep breath and knocked.

"Come in Harry" echoed Lupins voice. Harry pushed the door open and went up to the office. "Sit down". Harry did what he was told and sat. He couldn't look at lupin, he felt as if he was back at the Dursleys. But Lupins face went from cheerful to concerned as soon as he sat. "How are you doing Harry?"

"Yeah good" Harry replied forcing a happy voice "I mean the work is harder and lessons more challenging but it's okay, I mean there's quidditch trials tomorrow"

"Well I'm glad to hear that" replied Lupin "But you still look dead on your feet, the nightmares haven't stopped have they?" Harry shook his head and felt the blood rise to his cheeks. "If you want to talk about them I'm here, you know that"

"I know, I'm dealing with it"

"But you aren't Harry, what about the panic attacks at dinner"

"It was only once!" He argued though he knew that was a lie though there had only been one obvious attack, but many smaller ones. Lupin sighed he knew Harry wasn't going to open-up to him today, so he moved the conversation on to Sirius.

"I have to tell you now Harry, that Sirius has been sent on a very dangerous mission for the Order. You will not be able to contact him by owl anymore or by the mirror. He is trying to get close to the dark lord to discover his secret. We do not know how long he will be on this mission, Sirius described it as a suicide mission"

"But no, why though, why Sirius, why not Snape, he is close to the Dark Lord" Harry almost yelled

"Dumbledore thought it was best, he can disguise himself very effectively and block hi mind out to the Dark Lord. Sirius had no responsibilities of teaching, so it was the best choice. Sirius' wand even shows the spell that was used to blow up that street, Pettigrew used it"

"He can't leave though, he can't go. He's just been free" muttered Harry

"I know Harry, I hate that he has to do this too, you are the first person I've told, we both need him to be safe and I'm sure he will be okay" said Remus hopefully. Harry sighed "I know this will be hard, but know I'm here when you want to talk okay?" Harry nodded unable to speak "You may go, same time next week" Harry nodded again as he walked out.

Harry had never felt so lost in his life, without Sirius safe what would he do? He saved him in his third year all, so he could fuck off on an order mission and leave him alone. Then he thought, but I treated him so bad over the summer, its my fault he has left. How could I be so selfish and disrespectful. Harry went back to Gryffindor tower, grabbed his blade and invisibility cloak and went straight up the astronomy tower.

Tears filled his eyes. _Freaks don't cry. Your mum was a bitch, your dad was useless. What does that make you? A disgusting, disrespectful selfish boy who needs to be punished._ He cut deep into his arm, deeper than before all the pain he was just feeling left him for a second. He did it again this time the numbness filled his body and felt good.

He let the blood trickle down to his elbow and onto the floor. He smiled as if it were laughable he knew he was doing the right thing. He let the blood clot before transfiguring a bit of tree branch into a needle and took some wool from his jumper to thread through. He fixed his arm the muggle way, He didn't care how much it hurt, the pain was welcoming. After he was done he redid his glamour's… all you could see now was the wool stitched nicely over the cuts.

He didn't know how long he was there for but when he re-entered the common room it was bare. So, he settled on the sofa next to the fire and for once he could sleep knowing the numbness would tie him over.

 **Note: Hey guys. Sorry its been a while. I've been busy with uni work and my own mental health issues. I'll upload when I can. Opinions on Sirius' mission please? Please review TR**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Quidditch Trials! Quidditch Trials!" was the first thing Harry heard when he woke up. Angelina Johnson was calling everyone who had signed up. Harry jumped up and raced upstairs to get his broom and quidditch robes. Soon enough he was back downs in the main common room with the rest of the team and participants getting ready to go down to the quidditch pitch.

It didn't take long or them all to get down there. Everyone was running on adrenaline since there was no quidditch cup the previous year. Everyone got on their brooms and rose up into the air. Harry secured his brace to the broom and joined them in the air. All his worries left him as he did three laps of the pitch.

When they released the snitch, he gave it a minute's head start and raced after it, catching it in a matter of minutes. Harry looked at the rest of the trial. Ron who was trying for keeper was having a good day. Fred and George were obviously beaters and was accurately defending people from the bludgers. Ginny was amazing she was the best chaser out there and considering Angelina was the captain that's saying something.

Harry didn't want it to end, he was having such a good time but reluctantly they had to stop since the Hufflepuff team had booked the pitch for the afternoon. Angelina called all the participants down to the centre of the quidditch pitch and read out her decisions. "Right then, everyone has done well today, there are some very talented individuals here and you should all be proud of yourselves. So, Ronald Weasley is going to be Keeper…" Ron couldn't contain his excitement and jumped up in the air celebrating "Fred and George Weasley as Beaters. Harry Potter as Seeker. Ginny Weasley, Alecia and myself as chasers. Everyone else, thank you for trailing. You may be called upon if one of our players is unable to compete so stay on standby!" everyone clapped and made heir ay up to the great hall for lunch.

During the afternoon Harry got on with some work but struggled to keep Sirius out of his head. What if h was hurt? He wished there was a way to contact him.

Sirius' Mission

Dumbledore had just left by floo powder leaving him alone in the empty house, the house he had just got back off the ministry because he was a free man. Now the man he most respected was asking the unthinkable, to leave all that he had just got back and risk hurting Harry more than he was already. But if the mission was a success he could prevent his Godson from facing the Dark Lord in the end. He needed to do this, to help Harry and get rid of the man who took everything away from is best friends Son. He took out some parchment and a quill and wrote:

 _Moony,_

 _Dumbledore has set me a very dangerous mission which could go badly. I will not be able to contact you or Harry in the time I'm gone, not even via mirror. Dumbledore wants me to get close to the Dark Lord, but it is the only hope we must prevent Harry duelling with the Dark Lord. That is the only reason I said yes, I promised James I would protect him._

 _I don't know where this is going to lead me or what ill must do. I don't understand why he hasn't asked the dungeon bat either. Give the second piece of parchment to Harry if I don't make it back. Do not open it to read it either Moony._

 _Remember you are not a beast, you are smart individual who I have grown to love. Take care Moony and I will see you soon. But for now. Mischief Managed._

Sirius folded the parchment into four and placed it into an envelope along with the letter he had written for Harry for when he turned of age. Realising he didn't have an owl to send the letters with he decided to go to Diagon Ally to use the postal service. Like he did in the summer he went over to the fireplace, money bag and letters held tightly to his chest he said "Diagon Ally".

The familiar uncomfortable spinning and suction made his stomach flip as he was just about able to stop himself from falling over in the leaky cauldron. It was rather quiet time of day, late afternoon. Sirius went straight to the post office and paid for an owl to deliver the letters urgently. He paid the wizard at the front desk 3 stickles and left without a word.

He went into several stores to prepare all the essentials including a tent, food, water, some potions in case he was hurt or needed to disguise himself. He bought a pen in which he was going to draw the dark mark on his arm it would look just like a tattoo but could be removed by a specific spell. He also went to Olivanders to get his wand fixed.

After finishing his shopping, he flooed back to 12 Grimmauld Place. Worry was overwhelming him. Dumbledore was going to send him the location of the Dark lord in the matter of an hour. Sirius used an undetectable extension charm and a feather light charm on a muggle satchel which he thought suitable. He then spent the nest half hour perfecting the dark mark on his arm. Sirius was always good at drawing, he used to draw banners for the Gryffindor quidditch team and for James. Thinking about his friends hurt so he stopped.

Suddenly the fireplace lit not emerald but a violet flame. Dumbledore's voice echoed through the room taking Sirius by surprise. "Sirius, once you step into the fire you will be transported to the Dark Lords location. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you exactly where it is due to security reasons. I will keep in contact with you since we need to know what is going on. When you see a Phoenix Patronus, whisper or give your findings to it. Understood?" Sirius grunted in reply and stepped into the fireplace. A suction feeling surrounds him and the next minute he was gone leaving Grimmauld place still and abandoned.

Note: Hey guys I know it was a short chapter but the next one will be longer. TR


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

There was a pinch of cold in the air, the wind blew menacingly around the castle, taking peoples hats off their heads. There was a definite gloom over the castle, the work was getting harder and the nights were drawing in making quidditch practice finish earlier and earlier each week. Though the Halloween decorations were being put up for the feast on Halloween night something seemed off about the castle and the world.

Harry nor Remus had heard from Sirius, this made Harry on edge, he jumped at any loud noise, looked at his marauders map at night hoping, even if there was a glimpse of him hiding somewhere in the castle. Harry didn't feel like doing anything, even quidditch had lost its fun. The only person who stopped him from ending it all was currently sleeping soundly right beside him on the couch. His destructive behaviour had got worse, now he didn't even care if someone cursed him in class or something went wrong. He had half a mind to tell the Professors to leave him like that but that wasn't an option. His only relief from hid depression was cutting up the astronomy tower but it was getting harder and harder to get up there by night since the school had extra security due to the rise of the dark Lord. Harry hardly ate or if he did he threw it up later, he was getting noticeable thinner and pale. This didn't get unnoticed, Hermione kept insisting that he went to the Hospital wing to get checked over, his meeting with Remus weren't going well either, he just couldn't open to anyone.

Halloween morning came and went, the lessons were hard as they were reviewing everything they had done so far and catching up on things they hadn't cracked yet. At lunchtime there were stacks of sandwiches, crisps a salad on the tables in the great hall. The house elves were most likely preparing for the feast later. Harry couldn't keep the image of his parents out of his mind, if only he had the mirror of Erised to look on them be with him.

Harry knew the significance of this day and as he looked up at the teachers table in the great hall he saw Remus looking paler and sicker than usual. He had rather large bags under his eyes, Harry decided to go see him after class had finished for the day or maybe after the feast. His decision was made when Remus left the staff table and came down the Great Hall looking straight at Harry.

"Can I have a word in my office Harry?". Harry nodded before getting up and following Remus through the corridors and into the defence against the dark arts classroom. Remus indicated a seat next to his desk, Remus sat opposite him. "Any moment now" he heard his professor mutter under his voice. Suddenly a flashing blue light filled the room, giant black dog surrounded by the blue flame like substance ran into the room before stopping slap bang in the middle as a ball of light. Sirius' rushed voice filled the room

"Remus, I hope Dumbledore told you to have Harry with you. This is a message from the dark side. The Dark lord has made Horcruxes, there is one here the snake, Salazar Slytherins Locket, The lost Diadem of Ravenclaw, Hufflepuffs Cup, Gaunts Ring. One Horcrux, Riddles Diary has already been destroyed the last one is you Harry." Harry was in shock, speechless "Remus you need to talk to Poppy about how to get it out of him. Harry, I know this is a shock for you, but I need you to be brave and face it head on. He is also after a Prophecy I need someone to go and destroy it, but Harry you must go what them since you are the only one who can hold it. I am safe and hidden now as a stray dog, hopefully I won't be too much longer here. But for now, Harry and Moony, Mischief Managed"

The first thing the pair did was breathe a sigh of relief, Sirius was alive at least and getting down to the case. Now is the task of continuing to follow the Dark lord whilst the horcruxes are destroyed. They looked at each other both worried about their friend's safety knowing if Sirius even showed a glimpse of his identity with the light side or tried to escape he would be tortured and killed instantly. Without muttering a word to each other the pair walked rapidly towards the hospital wing and into Madame Pomfrey office to find Dumbledore already there waiting.

"Ah I see Sirius' message didn't miss you both. Good, well let's get straight to it. I have been explaining to Poppy about the situation and with a little bit of testing I think we have a sort of solution" Dumbledore started with a sort of grave expression.

Remus looked at the mediwitch, then Dumbledore and finally at Harry before speaking "What are you going to do? It's not going to harm Harry is it?"

"Not if we can help it. However, it may make Harry very sick for a little while"

"How long for Sir?" Harry had finally spoke up "What are you going to do to me?" hoping that what they were going to do would be too much for his body and he would die. Then at least it wouldn't be his fault for ending it all and the guilt of it all would be lifted.

"Harry my dear boy, let me explain. One of the horcruxes' has already been destroyed, when you destroyed Tom Riddles diary in the chamber of secrets, which means to destroy a horcrux we must use basilisk venom. Now too much of this will kill you and I think we all would agree that is not the point of this exercise." Harry nodded, Remus gave a great sigh but didn't say anything. "So, Poppy has suggested that we weaken your immune system so only a very small amount of venom is needed to destroy the horcrux"

"How would you do that?" asked Remus "I have never heard of a magical method to do that?"

"You are correct, there is no magical method, but Poppy has recently heard of a muggle method to do this, care to explain Poppy?"

"There is a muggle method, muggles use to kill unknown and dangerous masses from the body. I don't know whether you have heard of cancer and chemotherapy Harry?"

Harry stared at the mediwitch for a while before answering, his heart pounding. "I have yes" he replied shakily "there was a girl in my primary school who had cancer, Osteosarcoma they said. She had chemo and all her hair fell out and she was very sick for a very long time. Then we never saw her again… that's not going to happen to me is it?" Harry continued, scared properly for the first time since he had left the Dursleys in the summer.

"We are not going to let you die if that is what you are asking"

"Oh, okay" replied Harry trying to make his sigh sound convincing and less worried

"With the muggle chemo method, we can weaken your immune system within a month and then we would perform an operation to remove the extra part soul from your chest. Luckily the treatment shouldn't be as bad for you since we have magical methods which have been proven to reduce the side effects and make it less painful for you. If you agree to this treatment we can start within the next week." Poppy explained

"I'm not going to lose my hair, am I?" asked Harry "the girl who had it lost all hers?"

"Well you most likely will yes, after every dose but what we can do is to make a wig exactly like your hair now and once you have all the treatment I can grow it back instantly" Replied poppy.

Remus who had been silent whilst everything was being explained spoke up "So after all this Harry will have less of a risk from the Dark Lord?"

"Why yes, hopefully the connection between Harry and the Dark Lord himself will be broken and the dark lord will lose his greatest advantage over Harry" replied Dumbledore "I will want a word in my office before Harry undergoes this Remus"

"Of course, headmaster, I will be available whenever you need me" replied Remus

"I think that is all for now, Harry will you meet me in my office on Thursday, so we can have a little chat before we go ahead please?" asked Dumbledore. Harry nodded a bit lost for words "You may go". Harry made to leave since the bell was going to ring any second, but Remus put his hand on Harrys shoulder and lead him to his office.

"Remus, I have Divination"

"Well then I' sure Sybil would have already predicted you are coming late"

"Or my death" muttered Harry. Remus laughed

"I wouldn't be surprised" Remus chuckled "Hopefully gracing her with your presence will be enough to excuse you" Harry nodded "How are you feeling about all this Harry?" asked Remus seriously.

"I don't really know, it's all come fast if that makes sense. I need time to process it I think"

"Well we have our normal meeting on Friday we will talk properly then, but Harry please try to start eating properly if you are going ahead it this, don't think I haven't noticed our picking on our food"

"Ok Moony, I'll try" replied Harry trying to put some confidence in his voice.

"Alright then. I'll see you at the feast later" Harry nodded, thanked his professor as Remus handed him a note and walked out of the office. He did not rush to Gryffindor tower to get his book and parchment. If it wasn't a double period, he would have just left it but unfortunately, he couldn't. so, he slowly walked to north tower and up the ladder.

Harry tried to sneak in quietly and sit next to Ron, however it wasn't unnoticed by Trelawny

"Ah, Mr Potter, you have not surcome to my latest prediction, however I do predict you will be joining me for detention on Thursday"

"Sorry I am late Professor, however I'd have a note" Harry handed his professor the note and watched her face fall "On second thought the detention will not happen, I predict I will be intrigued by the odd position of Pluto and Mars and shall be gazing into my orb to see what will happen in the future" she went on in a mystical voice, rising from their table and merged the lesson into that conversation.

Harry looked around at Ron who had his face in his hands, gong redder and redder trying to hold in his laughter. Harry joined him once Trelawney was out of sight. The two spent the rest of the lesson making stupid predictions and laughing, much to the annoyance of their professor.

Once the lesson was over the pair made their way to the Gryffindor common room to find Hermione sitting, waiting for them. They sat down on their favourite seats by the fire and sat in silence for a while.

"So, where were you all of lunch with Remus?" Asked Hermione. Harry knew this was coming but her really didn't know how to explain it to them.

"Well it would be better to discuss this whilst the common room is empty since we don't want the information to fall into the wrong hands" Harry explained convincingly. Hermione's face went pale and Ron for once was speechless.

"It's not about Sirius is it?"

"Well, a bit. Actually, a lot" his two friends looked at him in rather serious looks before Ron finally spoke.

"Well we will clear the common room later and we can talk then mate, besides we don't have time now it's time for food!"

"Ronald Weasley! Your best friend comes back into the common room with serious news and all you can think of is food!"

"Well it is the Halloween feast Hermione!"

Hermione huffed, got up and followed some of the younger Gryffindors down to the great hall muttering something that Harry heard as "Boys!"

The feast went very slowly for Harry the thought of explaining to his best mates that he would have to undergo aa procedure that could kill him, plus Sirius in a very awkward predicament and explaining about the Dark Lord. It was getting rather overwhelming the thought. Slowly he felt his heart getting faster and faster and that he was struggling to breathe. Oh no its happening again he thought. But before he could run he felt a soft hand touch his. Ginny who had just sat beside him managed to relieve his panic before anyone noticed.

Harry muttered some "thanks" to the young redhead before starting at his food. Though he was trying his upmost to eat more, he physically couldn't, he could feel the food churning in his stomach making him sick. Harry managed to hold It in until the feast finished, and everybody dwindled full stomachs and heavy heads back to bed.

The trio went up to the common room sat back in their seats and waited until the common room was deserted which didn't take long considering everyone was still hyped about the feast.

Harry knew it had to all come out so when Ron asked what was up harry explained about Sirius and the horcrux's and a horcrux being inside of him. By the end of his tale Hermione had her arms fastened tight around his chest and Ron looked like he didn't know what to do with himself.

"So, a piece of him lives inside of you and Dumbledore wants to poison you to get it out?" Said Ron, trying to lighten the mood.

"oh Harry! You must do what is best for you and obviously part of him inside you is never a good thing, we will be with you all the way, getting notes from lessons and things like that if you need to"

"Thanks Hermione, hopefully as Dumbledore said they can reduce the side effects so I won't feel as bad. I have a meeting with him on Thursday evening"

"Perhaps he can discover more about this horcrux thing and tries to get it out of you without the venom?"

"I don't think it works that way"

"we'll see Harry but right now we all need to go to bed we have lessons in the morning" insisted Hermione. So, the three went up to the dormitory's and settled in bed. Once Harry heard the 4 other boys snoring away he knew he was truly alone in a mess that he didn't create.

 **NOTE: Hey guys, so its got a little intense, do you like how the plot has taken? Let me know with a review I hope you enjoyed. Once again thanks for continuing to read my fan fic!**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Harry woke drenched in sweat as usual after a few hours of sleep, his dream laden with Tom and Cedrics dead body. Looking at the clock on the wall he decided that he had time to make a journey to the astronomy tower and back. So, under the invisibility cloak he went, fully dressed in his robes and bag with his notes and parchment he left the common room.

The journey was short since he had made this journey many a time at night. At the top the moon was absent, and the stars only seemed to shine very dimly. Looking around before taking the cloak off and pocketing the silky material. The wind was bittering since it was November but still Harry stood at the edge and spread his arms. What would it be like to jump he thought, life would be so much easier. But he couldn't, it couldn't look like an accident then.

He could imagine what the prophet would say "Harry Potter, the boy who LIVED, commits suicide" ah suicide he thought, how good it would feel but no he couldn't, so he reached inside his pocket for his blade and rolled up the sleeve of his robe then his white shirt. He then added another few cuts to his scared arm it felt good, but as the sun rose he knew he would have to go soon so he wrapped an old bandage round his arm, fastened the long sleeve shirt over it and rolled down his robes.

Harry went back under the invisibility cloak and made his way down to the great hall to eat, he too the invisibility cloaks off as soon as he was in an empty corridor since the school was getting busier and that was very difficult to move about under the cloak. Harry sat down at the table which Ginny was already sat alone, she looked up and couldn't hide a smile. Harry piled some fruit into a bowl and started to eat, he knew he had to try but at the same time he felt sick

"So, are you going to tell me what is going on with you?"

"Umm" stuttered Harry "Its complicated and rather a big shock for me if I'm honest"

"Why? What's happened?" replied Ginny keeping her voice down just in case there was any ears droppers nearby.

"So, I'm assuming you know I went with Remus yesterday at lunch" Ginny nodded letting him continue "We heard from Padfoot for the first time since he has been on his mission. He has found the Dark Lords secret, the Dark lord has made horcruxes, 7 of them, the diary from the Chamber of Secrets was one of them, Ravenclaws lost Diadem, Hufflepuffs cup, Slytherins Locket, Gaunt ring, a Snake, and well me" Ginny gasped, it was not what she was expecting from Harry.

"Oh Harry?! What are they going to do to get it out?"

"They will start with a muggle method to weaken my immune system, then after a month of that treatment they are going to do an operation to kill the other piece of soul in me" Ginny just stared, she was so shocked that she has no words but took Harrys hand and squeezed it gently. "Gin, I'm so scared" that was the first time he had said something like that to anyone

"Shhh its okay Harry, we can get through this together, one day at a time and if that Malfoy gets in the way I won't be afraid to give him what he deserves"

"Thanks Gin"

"Don't be afraid to come talk to me either, I wont judge or anything just an ear to listen okay?" Harry nodded, if he spoke he would break down, but for the first time in a while he thought he could trust someone and he was very grateful. He pecked a kiss on the red heads cheek to say thank you. "Your welcome Harry" she replied.

The pair finished their breakfast and went back to Gryffindor tower to get a few things before lessons started, they then walked together to their classes Harry dropping Ginny off outside transfiguration and he walked by to go to Care of Magical Creatures.

As he walked up to Hagrid's cabin he spotted Hermione and Ron but before he could get there Malfoy stood in his tracks with Crabbe, Goyle and the rest of the Slytherins behind him. "Ah isn't it pathetic Potter. Have you come to catch a little mouse for your big friend to eat?"

"Fuck off Malfoy"

"Oh, its angry, can we poke it with a stick to see if it rawrs?" Malfoy went on

"I said Fuck Off!" replied Harry calmly as he walked around the Slytherins to stand by Ron and Hermione. Malfoy was about to say something else but was interrupted by Hagrid Harry was grateful.

The lesson went too fast and so did the rest of the day, and soon Harry was sitting in the common room with Ginny by his side playing chess with Ron. When the game ended Ron went up to bed leaving Ginny and Harry alone in the common room, Harry was rather relaxed, especially as he had a pit of anxiety deep down in his chest. The pair were very tired since they were both up early, the accidently fell asleep on the sofa.

Harry awoke very peacefully the next morning, the sun was shining through the common room windows, Ginny was still sound asleep, her beautiful sleek hair dangling onto the floor. Harry yawned and ran his hand through her hair, she started to wake up. When she opened her eyes she smiled and pecked Harry on the cheek, they then locked lips quickly.

"We had better get up before Ron sees us" yawned Harry "He might have a fit if he knew we slept down here together"

"Yes, you are right, I'm going up to change and I'll meet you down here in 30mins." Replied Ginny as she got up and made her way to the stairs. Harry held her back.

"Uh, I just wanted to thank you, I haven't been sleeping well and well that's the best I've slept in months"

"You are most welcome Harry"

They then went upstairs, Harry changed into his robes and had a shower before waking Ron up as he was sleeping in and it was getting late. Once the pair were ready they met Ginny and Hermione down in the common room the four went down to the great hall for breakfast. After a good sleep Harry felt like he could eat more this morning, Remus seemed to notice and nodded at him happily.

The lessons went too fast again today the meeting with Dumbledore creeping ever closer, his anxiety was taking over, he hardly ate at dinner before meeting the wise old man. He walked as slowly as he could to the office, he didn't know the password, but Dumbledore must have known he was outside because the griffin jumped to one side and revealed a spiral staircase. Harry walked up the stairs and knocked on the door.

"Come in" replied Dumbledore. Harry opened the door and walked into the room he had come to recognise well by now. "Take a seat, Harry" Harry took the seat opposite Dumbledore. "I am assuming you are aware why we are meeting tonight" Harry nodded "We need to work out where the rest of the Horcruxes are, I need your help Harry" Harry nodded again.

"How can we find the other Horcruxes though Sir, they could be anywhere?"

"I believe that the lost Diadem of Ravenclaw is still in this castle, there is no evidence that it has been removed, this is why I need you over the next couple of weeks while you are receiving treatment to go and find it, I'd like you to go to the room of requirement, it is on the seventh floor across from the tapestry of Barnibus the Barmy you must walk past this section of wall three times thinking of finding something lost, once there I would like you to look for it"

"So that is my task?"

"yes, it is, I will be on the hunt for the others, I will be sending Sirius a basilisk fang, so he can destroy the snake, hopefully now we know what Voldemort is after. Once we remove the horcrux from yourself we will go to the ministry of magic to take and destroy the prophecy, there is one final task you will need to do Harry, however that will have to wait until we make progress."

"Why can't you tell me now?"

"Because circumstances change, and the final task might change you see"

"Oh right, I understand, Sir"

"Also, I have had word from Poppy earlier and she would like to start tomorrow evening for your first dose"

"Okay sir"

"Harry, you know everyone is here to help you and you don't have to do this alone"

"Thanks Sir" Harry replied as he turned his back and started to walk out the door. He walked out and closed the door softly before breaking into a run, his legs running as far away as he could, faster than he has ever went, he ran out through the castle doors and into the grounds. Past Hagrid's and down to the tree by the lake, there he finally stopped and sat down, knees into his chest and cried.

Suddenly all that built up emotion over the last few weeks was coming out and we couldn't stop now the guilt over Sirius going on the missing and the worry about everything upcoming was all pouring out as the sun was setting. Harry knew he had to go inside soon otherwise there would be a school wide search for him if they haven't already started, but it was cooler out here, the icy air whisking through his hair the coldness painful on his skin but satisfying all the same.

Once the sun finally set Harry cleaned himself up, recast his glamour charms because they had fallen. He then made his way up to the school and the common room, his leg aching, he shouldn't have run. When he said the password, he went into the common room, told Ron and Hermione that he was having an early night and he went upstairs, closed the curtains on his four poster and drifted off very peacefully, but deep-down dreading what was to come tomorrow.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Dawn had broken through the red hangings of his bed, Harry rolled over, he felt an overwhelming feeling in the pit of his stomach, it didn't take him long to remember why he felt this bad. He was starting the whole muggle treatment thing today, he groaned, stood up and made his way into the bathroom. He saw Deans muggle razor and resisted the urge to cut. He then went into the shower and let the water steam up around and engulf him as it stung his cuts.

Harry didn't know how long he was in the shower before he finally decided to emerge. It was lucky he remembered his wand to recast the charm on his cuts as he walked out into the dormitory, shirtless. He was able to do that now his casting of the charm was becoming stronger and everything was covered.

"Come on mate, hurry up, breakfast!" Shouted Ron, Harry grunted "We thought you were trying to down yourself in there" Harry shook his head angrily as he put his robes on.

"I didn't think I was in there that long"

"Yeah pity you didn't die in there, you never know what could happen around the chosen one" yelled Seamus who had just walked in. Harry almost jumped at him if it wasn't for Ron grabbing the scruff of his neck holding Harry back.

"You dare say that to Harry!" exclaimed Ron "How dare you stand there and tell Harry he should have died, it is lucky its not you who has no parents. Now, get out or I will make sure McGonagall knows about it and you'd be lucky if you were allowed back into this tower"

"And why would Mr Finnegan be leaving the tower, do you care to explain Mr Weasley" asked a firm voice which was none other than the head of Gryffindor house.

"He told Harry that it was a pity that the chosen one didn't die in the shower" explained Ron

"Is this true Mr Finnegan". Seamus nodded "Well you will already understand that I cannot allow this sort of behaviour in the dormitories, you will have detention with me every night for a week at 6pm. Now Mr Potter if you would like to come with me" Harry quickly slipped on his shoes and followed the professor out of the dormitory, through the common room, down many a corridor before arriving at the hospital wing. There was a door that Harry had never seen before and was asked to step inside.

The room was painted blue and had a muggle feel about it, there was one bed and many people standing at the side of the bed. There were monitors that Harry had never had seen before and different equipment on wheels. The people by the side of the bed looked up at him as he walked in, there was the usual madame Pomfrey and two others he didn't know.

"Mr Potter if you would like to take a seat on the bed" asked a woman with green eyes dressed in some sort of blue plastic outfit, it reminded Harry of those horrible rain coats people used to wear to school. Harry did what he was told though reluctantly. "You are due to start an intense form of chemotherapy this evening, however to administer the medicine we need to have direct access to your vena cave, your main vein in your body. To do this we need to insert a tube into your chest, a procedure which needs to be completed 6 hours before the administration. Do you understand?"

"But why can't you just magic it into me? Does the thing have to stay in?" asked Harry after a while of thought.

"Unfortunately, magic will only interfere with the treatment in this case. We have discussed this with many of the top healers of the wizarding world and they all agree this critical stage should not be tampered with even with potions to relieve some of the symptoms. I'm afraid this is going to be a tough and long month for you" Harry nodded. He understood what it would do to him, his head half wanted the process to kill him or at least knock him unconscious for a while. He couldn't take much more of his life. "Do you have any more questions?"

"Will I miss class, only because it is my OWL year I don't particularly want to miss any information I need?"

"Unfortunately, you might have to miss class depending on how much this affects you, you will have 12 rounds of the treatment one dose every Friday. Monday and Wednesday we should finish this part of the process by December 1st and we will schedule the horcrux removal for the 4th December going you time to recover in between the end of chemo to the surgery."

"Oh okay"

"I'm sure miss Granger will happily take notes for both of you out of the classes you miss"

"Okay, I have no more questions"

"Let's get started. Mr Potter would you like to remove your shirt" Harry looked up at the woman trying to hide his fear, he really hoped his glamour charms would work as he carefully took off his shirt leaving his chest bare. "At least for this we can magic this into you with no pain" she marked on his chest where the vein was after a quick spell and brought out this kind of tubing. "Are you ready?" Harry nodded but wasn't ready, he didn't want all this to happen. He grasped his panic and kept it together as the woman used a spell to put the line in. It felt weird to harry, it didn't hurt but everything was becoming real. She then secured it with a piece of tape. "All done"

"Can I go to class now?" asked Harry

"Yes, but we need you back here at 8 o'clock promptly tonight" replied the woman

"I'll let Remus know you will come straight here after your meeting with him" said Dumbledore "I shall send a patronus to him right away." Harry nodded his thanks "Now off to class with you"

Harry stood up fast after putting his clothes back on, he needed to cut but he knew he couldn't. He marched down the corridors to his charms classroom. He was just on time and went to join Ron ad Hermione. Both were shooting him curious looks. Professor Flitwick perched on his stack of books started to speak.

"Today we will be going over the banishing charm! With our OWLs at the end of the year you need to practice! There is a stack of cushions in the corner to use now split off into threes and get practicing"

The lesson was a perfect opportunity to have a secret conversation. "What did McGonagall want this morning?" asked Ron

"Just stuff for tonight you know with everything starting" replied Harry not wanting to go into any details about the tubing now hanging out f his chest. The two gryffindors got the point and changed the conversation.

The rest of the day went too quickly for Harry, it was like he was waiting for one of the Triwizard tasks happening again, he hardly ate at lunch or dinner and when he got to Lupins office afterwards he was feeling rather panicky to say the least.

"Come in Harry" said Lupin. Harry opened the door to his mentors' quarters and sat down where he usually sat in these meeting. Lupin made tea and offered him some biscuits of which Harry refused. Eventually Lupin spoke again. "Are you okay Harry?"

"Its all real now isn't it, its been hard to grasp the concept of what will happen but now they put this thing in this morning it's a bit scary" well that was the gist of it, Harry wasn't prepared for Lupin to try wean it out of him, he told him the main parts but didn't tell how he was actually feeling and his urge to cut.

"I can understand why but we need to get this horcrux out of you for Sirius to come home safe" replied Lupin. Harry knew it made safe and all he wanted was for Sirius to be safe so the pressure to be okay with all this going on intensified, he felt his chest contract and found it hard to catch his breath. He hoped Lupin wouldn't notice but as he thought that a kind hand was placed on his back and a voice telling him what to do. After Harry stopped hyperventilating Lupin sat down again.

"I know you aren't okay Harry but there is only so much I can do without you letting me in, I know your nightmares haven't stopped or your panic attacks, talking will help no matter how embarrassing or how 'uncool' it might seem"

"I am okay Remus" replied Harry sternly

"You have just had a panic attack out of the blue, you don't eat, I am fairly sure you don't sleep, you can concentrate during class, don't think I can't see it Harry"

"I am fine" replied Harry stubbornly

"Alright, now we need to get down to the hospital wing, but please you know where I am if you need help" Harry nodded and stood up and left the office with Remus down to the private room in the hospital wing. Everything was set up, there were syringes of liquid on the surface and the healer from earlier stood ready to administer it.

"Sit down Mr Potter" the woman said as Harry sat down on the bed. "Are you ready?" Harry nodded and took his shirt off in indication to just get it done. The woman then used the tubing on his chest to syringe the three liquids into him. Once that was done he put his shirt and jumper back on quickly, he could feel his glamours falling by the second. Whatever they just did to him, his body didn't like.

"May I leave now?" asked Harry impatiently "I have homework to do"

"Yes you may leave after we have explained what might happen" Harry nodded "Okay so after a few hours you might start to feel sick and unwell, flu like symptoms but no fever, if you have a fever we need you to come back here immediately. Also as this treatment continues you will have to have an immunity bubble around you if you are able to go to class. This is invisible and undetectable by students, we will set it now and each time you have treatment we will update it. Please if you encounter any problems between now and Monday come to the hospital wing." Harry nodded and the mediwitch put the charm around him.

With nothing else to say the professors and medi-witches couldn't do anything to stop Harry from leaving. Harry walked up to the common room told Ron and Hermione he was going to bed, went up to the dormitory, grabbed his invisibility cloak with his blade and made his was up to the astronomy tower, unaware a redhead was following him cautiously.

 **Note: I should really stop apologising that its late but I can't help it so here goes, Sorry that its been a while since I uploaded. I hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


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